Wednesday, April 23, 2014

TLOML - The Love Of My Life. And how I lost him.


I've brought up TLOML a few times before.

People who used to read my old blog knew him as D, or... DT, or The One.

I know a few people have asked me since.. what ever happened to TLOML - The Love Of My Life.

Some others have also recently asked.. whootf is this character.

So. A background story.

In 1999. I had gone through 2 very devastating relationships. So I was on a rampage. Dating like crazy. Breaking hearts. It was.. an interesting time. Fun time too. I remember partying. Non stop. Drinking. Like a fish. Every single night, hitting the town. It was pretty crazy.

And then I met him. D.

Honestly.. I was not even attracted at the time. He was not my type. Not the kind I usually went for at all. But, I figured, he was on holiday. Why not. Have a fling right?

It was selfish on my part I guess. And I was in a very selfish stage.

But little did I know.. what I kept running from initially, turned out to be what I wanted and needed the most.

First let me say this. I was an absolute fucking selfish bitch.

And I'm not happy nor proud of myself to say it. But, honesty is key.

For the first two years, every time he left (he studied in the States) I tried to break up with him. I actually thought I was fine each time he left. And that he was being the emotional and dramatic one.

I never realised... that it was because each time he left... he left a void.. and my coping mechanism.. was filling it with other people instead. Or going places. Activities. Hanging out.

Those people were, interchangeable I guess. Never really meant much. But, I did have some memorable connections and friendships with some of them as well. But each and everyone of them always knew.. it was always him. He was the one who had my heart.

For 2 years, Des tolerated me "needing to be free". Actually letting me go. Biting his tongue as I dated other people a few times.

Each time I saw him with someone else though, it killed me. And I didn't understand why. I could not stand it. Even things that were, irrational. I never was the jealous type. But... seeing him on a TV with a girl would make my stomach churn. Literally.

I was still too... emotionally immature. And not ready to feel "tied down" or "give my freedom up" - I never realised that was not what he was asking for. Though yes. He did want marriage.

He was.. my rock. My everything. Really. Literally, he felt like the blood that was in my veins. He could always... sense me. Read me. Heck, the guy used to get sympathy cramps when he was in HK and I was in SG.

He gave, and gave and gave. And he was one of the most generous souls. And I... took and took and took. Don't get me wrong.. I gave too. But not like him. He gave me selflessly.

While managing his sports scholarship for instance, he took up a part time job to pay for my phone bills secretly. He would send me thoughtful gifts. Sweet things. Try to write me poetry because he knew I liked it. Which... i... in my haughty, vain "I am so intellectual" state, would laugh at.

The sweet things he would do for me. Flowers. Picking me up when he was in town. Going out of his way to always call to say good morning. Call to say goodnight. I never even understood why he would flip out when I was uncontactable. I thought he was being needy. For him... he was just... worried.

Trust me. These days, I look back at it, and I am not laughing now.

It is hard to find any one... who is really, that good of a person. That good of a man. And I hate myself, for chipping some of that away. Hardening him because of the hurt.

He felt then though, sometimes, like a devoted puppy I could not get rid of. I would get annoyed. Irritated. But there was just something about him too, that I knew... was special. That I loved. This... feeling that he was meant to be in my life as someone.

The truth is... from the first time we connected... he was in my system. And he never left. Perhaps, something in me knew even then.

But I fought it. because he was not what I had envisioned for myself at all.  Not from a "branded school". Not from a "family". Didn't dress the way I liked. Talked the way I liked. Didn't look the way I liked. Didn't like the things I did. Or wanted to do. There were about a million different things I thought were wrong. Timing. Career. I had so much I still wanted to do.

But there was still... this pull.

It was only 2 years into the on-off relationship, that I realised. I really loved the guy. That he was... TLOML.

I was miserable with him. Miserable without him.

But again... I was young. And I felt the need to "be free". And after another torturous 6 mths of long distance, I said I wanted someone to be by my side all the time. So we took a break. I told him that I loved him. But that I could not be in anything serious. That I still had plans. Big plans for myself. I guess... I also had thought that maybe... he would always be there.

In reality.. I met this guy. Who intrigued me. It was new. It was fascinating. It was fun. And... I had actually met him a few years before, when I was still in college. He had been in a serious relationship, on the fast track to marriage back then. So he was unavailable at the time.

But now... he was a doctor. Newly Single. Handsome (just appeared on TV then as one of the most handsome docs in sg) The type I usually went for. The look I usually went for. Same kind of family background. In fact, he worked with some members of my family. Everything... seemed... well. Exciting.

And I didn't care. About anything. Anyone. Any consequences. I wanted it. And I went for it. And that was that.

Then TLOML suddenly called. Are you seeing anyone? He asked. I am seeing a few people, I replied.

"This guy. Whoever this guy is now. Not him. Anyone else... Just not him. Don't Sara. It will break me. It will break us. We won't get back from this. Remember what you told me? Don't do anything out of the relationship, that you might regret, if we get back in it."

I was annoyed. Irritated. I called him dramatic. Told him I knew what I was doing. I wouldn't be stupid. I thought I was in the right. I always assumed I was smarter afterall. And I thought I was not wrong because I was being honest with him. And we were on a break.

Heck. I thought I was in love. And that guy msged me that he loved me too! So I was flying high...

I should have known the split second my brain clicked.. and went should I? Should I not? This.. doesn't feel right. But I'm drunk. Having fun. Fuck it! Nobody will know. 

That was Apr, 2002.
Funny timing too eh.

But I was wrong.

He always had been able to sense me.

And he did. Just like the other times he could sense other things. Whether it was other people who were hovering. .. waiting for the kill. Or if I was sick. Or if I was in trouble. He just... knew.

He did try to forgive me, and we did get back together after that big mistake... but... since I am obviously... not mentioning in my stories these days. And we know, that for the last 10 years, I've been in search of something elusive.... you know the story doesn't end with a happy ever after.

The thing is.. before that mistake.. i actually knew. That we had some sort of destiny. Fate. Maybe.. that was part of why I kept running away. It scared me senseless. I remember once, thinking.. Ok God. Let's do a test. I am going to randomly go to a place tonight. And... let the one I'm supposed to be with, appear.

Yup. He appeared. Smiling. In front of me. And I kept thinking.. OMG, please not him! Don't let it be him!

Sigh. Be careful what you wish for people. Some times, those wishes do come true. Even when they're not what you want any more.

Me & D were always pretty in tune with each other in a weird way even though we spent more time apart then together. We always had problems communicating our real emotions... But the feelings were always, as strong. I knew that we were meant to be the day we both, while he was in the States, and I was in SG, had two sides of the same dream. It was freaky. He could tell me everything I said in the dream. I could tell him everything he said. We basically, saw our future. Right down to the details. It was... weird. But... we knew.

All my pals always thought I would be the first to get hitched. They saw me witg him. How he adored me. Treated me like a princess.. and they figured we were shoo ins for longest couple together.

After my mistake... we did get back together... He loved me.. That silly man. And really tried to make it work. We actually seemed to bounce back stronger than before. We had ... a hope... for the future. We thought we would be ok.

Then one day, I had a bad dream. I woke up in tears.. telling him.. I had dreamt of meeting him at a party. With a woman who was pregnant. And was not me. And I was at the party, and I had achieved all I wanted... but.. he was with someone else.

He laughed, and tried to comfort me. Told me we had gotten over the worst storm, and we would definitely land up together. Happy. With a fairytale ending.

I knew in my gut even then...

My choice.

My mistake.

It had changed our paths.

Whatever I had done. What I had chosen. Our paths, that were initially meant to be together. Would grow apart.

I only really got over him in 2009. Because after we split, we spent another 5 years apart. Pining for each other. Even while dating other people. It was... excruciating. But we were helpless to it.

Falling into each others arms each time we saw each other, because it was like magnets. So we tried to not see each other at all. Cut everything off. And he moved away again.

It was a love that drove both of us mad. I turned down a job in HK because I was scared that being near him,  but not with him, would drive me insane.

But I thought, that at least... we could be friends. And we actually... did still remain, really good friends. He was still, my person. And I was his.

But in 2009, he told me about her. And I still remember, meeting him in HK. As we sat there in the cafe, even in the drizzle. And somehow, I knew.... it was over. For good this time. We both knew. I finally woke up and that spell he had over me.. was finally... after 10 long years.. Broken.

Not too long before he got married. He called me one drunken night.. " I hate you. I can't forgive you. I have never been able to forgive you... because of him."

There were so many times. So many times that he could have chosen to hold against me. Other reasons he could loathe and detest me for. But it all boiled down ... for whatever reason.. to this. Maybe... because he sensed it. He warned me. He told me.

And he usually never asked for much.

But he did ask for this. But I was too self-indulgent to do that one simple thing.

The biggest mistake of my life.

And learnt the hard way.. that it was not worth it.

p.s. D. If you ever do read this. I want you to know, that.. I am sorry. With my whole being...

I recently had strangely enough, the same things happen to me. Have someone Say the exact same things to me. It .... made me feel horrible. All over again. Not because I still love you. Or haven't moved on.. Not even because it was being done to me. Or because of that person. But.. because I hate myself for the person I was when I met you.

Some people say, right person. Wrong time. We were at different places in our lives then.

D, you told me once. If it's the right person, you will always make it the right time.

I realise now. It was my choices. And.. I am so, so, sorry. For not treasuring what I had in you.

But.. we live and learn.

You moved on. You chose what you needed. And I am happy that you have found happiness.

I feel pained. Because I understand why you chose what you did. Why you walked away, even though, what we had was.. amazing. And it pained you. I was.. such a selfish bitch back then. And I did not deserve how selfless you were with me. But I learned so much from you.

You always... the most amazing, giving person I have met. And if I'm a nice person today.. It was because of you.

I am indebted. To you. In this, and many lifetimes to come.

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