Thursday, April 10, 2014

All the bad kisses.. the hits, and the misses



And geesh. Ok, if boyfriends kissed that well. *swoon* Our tiny island of Singapore would not be having this re-population/not-enough-baby-making problems at all. I mean seriously. A kiss like that could get a girl pregnant.
*for those under the age of 16 in Singapore and if you're reading this blog, then you might be my nieces and nephews and therefore, what the hell are you doing here. Go study! And if you're not, and you still don't know how babies are made. Sharing straws kids. A lot can happen when you share straws.

Now I wrote a post about kissing ages ago when I still used to be "a blogger" - under the FOR MEN series. I remember writing on the different kinds of horrible kisses I've had. That post in itself. More than 10k hits in one day. I'm not quite sure whether people were more tickled at the fact that I've had such horrifying experiences, or if there genuinely are that many bad kissers around...

But, this is afterall, 10 years later. I come armed with more than just the 5 types of bad kisses I first wrote about.


I know.


To be fair, maybe it was just bad kiss karma. You may get two great kissers, but put them together and they might not work. (Though, there was a recent experiment on strangers kissing for the first time, that makes me think, this might not be true.
Watch that video here: )

Now, I am struggling to remember when was my first kiss. Honestly, zero recollection. But ask me which were the best, and the steamiest...

A coy smile will start breaking out on my face and you'll see that I have officially left the building and my brain has gone to lalaland.

But ah...

Good kissers, just like good men, are hard to find.


1 - Eat Face/ Face attack aka Face-off

When a guy attacks you like he is trying to eat your face.

Looks somewhat like...

An alien attack. 

Yes. Not quite attractive. It literally looks like they are attacking each others faces and honestly, reminds me of a zombie movie.

It felt like Nicholas Cage was trying to eat my face off my skull.
I felt like I was being mauled. Not great. Well not for me at least.

2 - The Hoover

The one that sucks too darned hard.

Yes. Many of you might not have heard or experienced this before. And trust me. This is your good fortune.

I don't know when I experienced this, whether or not it was the combination of youth, lack of experience, hyperactive hormones and a dose of over enthusiasm, but this.. the hoover- is exactly like the vacuum. It sucks and sucks and sucks.

My partner was so vigorous, I literally, sprained my tongue.

I couldn't move it for days. And when I looked in the mirror, it actually looked bruised on the underside.

I kid you not.

I was reduced to eating plain porridge and congee for at least a week while my tongue was out of action.


Was just discussing with a pal Felicia S. Ha. Her experience? A bruised lip from this treatment.

3- Windscreen wiper

Stick out your tongue. Now move it to the left. Now to the right. Now increase the motion by 100x.

Not a fan. Especially when its shallow it just feels like someone is trying to squeegee your pearlies.

4- The Sotong 

There are many other names for this disaster of a kiss I would think. But I first called it the sotong, because when I was first at the receiving end of this - it felt like I was getting a slimy squid slapped all over my face.

In case you don't know what "Sotong" is, it's a colloquial term for squid. This type in particular.
Fleshy. Great on the grill and to eat. But not raw. And on your face.

Because this guy literally made out with almost ALL of my face, 
except for my lips. 

He was literally, sucking.face.  Everywhere. My cheeks. My nose. My forehead. Ears. Neck.

Not pecks mind you. Actual make outs. Medium pressure, languorous kissing with tongue.

Honestly. This is hot. But think this with A LOT MORE SALIVA.
And everywhere else on the face as well.
Not so hot.
Just. Very wet.
And not in a good way.

While I was sitting there in his car, paralysed in fear with the thoughts, "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! What is wrong with my lips?! Why is his aim so bad?! What if I can't get out of here! I want to get out now!!!" running through my head, as he was making out with my jaw.. I made a silent note to self.....

If a dude is single. Hot. Has a great bod. A six-pack (abs, not beer). Great personality. Treats you like a princess. Fun to hang with. But isn't yet married when he's in his late 30's...
There might just be a reason for it.

And you know what they say about not being able to teach an old dog new tricks? I mean, while this was more like an over-enthusiastic labrador puppy... I really would rather not have to "train" a guy? I much rather have them "as is". No reno needed.

And yes. I did get zits on my face thereafter.


5- The Lizard/Frog

See that flick action. That quick in and out movement. Repeatedly. The multipost was not a mistake. Just that mine was sped up by 10 times. 

It actually is really unsatisfying. Especially if they are the type that does this fast, in and out, like a variant of the Windscreen wiper. 

Side note. This variety of kisser might be useful in another geographical region.

6- CPR

The "breath of life". Where the guy gives you, literally, a breathy kiss. But not in that sexy way. But he feels like he's blowing air into you.

If I had to illustrate, it probably would look somewhat like this.

Sounds like a recipe to getting gassy for me. 

7- The virginal and other variants (too little tongue)

Some call it the grandma kiss. Perfectly acceptable if you're three-years-old. Or if you've been married for more than a decade. It's a fast kiss. More of a punctuation mark. A peck is not an acceptable kiss from a grown man imho.
If you want to kiss me. Put your back into it.

The... ALL LIPS AND NO ACTION is equally unsatisfying. Here's an example:

8- The cirque du soliel and other circus acts (too much tongue)

I empathise with her bewildered look.

When an overenthusiastic tongue does gymastics in your mouth, it can feel like a washing machine

9- Chomp and chew

Some is fun.
Just don't put a hole in my tongue?

10- Octopus

Get it?
If you didn't- that's the basketball handsign for


Yes. Sort of an out of bounds illegal move where sometimes, you move too fast, and your feet get ahead of yourself, and you don't dribble the ball and keep it in play.

So please. Especially if it's the first kiss. Don't get all Octopussy. Handsy all over.

Mariah Carey might invite you to do that. But, I've found a guy with respectful hands, who doesn't start groping and pulling and tearing and actually gives the kiss all the attention it needs. Those kisses, tend to be mindblowing.

Case in point:


So take it slow.

It'll get there. Especially if the kiss is intense and passionate. Things will escalate naturally. Don't make me feel like you're fumbling to tune the radio.

11- It's the sPits

You can more or less guess this one eh?

The ones with excess saliva. It's a monsoon in there.

12- The dentist

Have you ever had the ones that push their tongues in so deep that they feel like they are cleaning your molars?


13- The fakers

These are the ones that watch too much television, and mimic TV kissing. Believe me, it was surreal.

It actually looks really good on camera. But there is NOTHING going on. Just usually, the guys jaw grinding enthusiastically like a hoochie-mama on the dancefloor.

My first brush with this was on a shoot. When photos came out, I was like... Whoa. That's hot. So when the guy asked me out. I thought, yeah. Why not?

Turns out. That was not just for the camera.

Sigh. Just like designer muscles. Oh so pretty. But what's the use.

So, I can't tell you for sure how you should kiss. Because I would not be able to tell you what you're doing wrong (if you are doing anything wrong). 

But everyone, judges whether or not they are compatible when they kiss.

If your teeth bump... you immediately think... dang. Maybe not so compatible afterall. Especially if it happens over and over again, right?

And essentially, most people use it as an indicator of how well they would work. It is a good yardstick for passion.

My personal favourite...

I love it when a guy slips his hand and cups my head...


If this is your Step 1. I'm already halfway to being sold.

And oh..
Doesn't everyone want a movie moment like this...

It's ok to start with a warm up kiss.... 
Especially if it's your first one...

Have fun, and tease a little...

But the best kind of kisses have the right combination of

1- pressure
2- lubrication
3- suction
4- lip
5- tongue

Personally, I like those that vary. Guys who deliver everything from sweet gentle kisses. To the super intense ones that go on forever and rob you of your breath. And then slow down, again.. to something tender. ALL IN ONE SESSION.

That is bliss.

I mean, whatever happened to the good old days of some good solid make outs?

Just... enjoying the kiss.

Either way... 

I hope you get kissed good ...
And give as good as you get ...


Over and out.


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