Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Of Gentlemen and Chemistry

I have forgotten how nice it is, to be brought out on a proper date.

For a meal. Not necessarily super expensive. But nice. On a date. Like.. a real date.

Where someone is actually trying to woo you. Court you.

Someone who tells you, you are worth it. And treats you as such.

A gentleman. Who treats you like a lady.

And it was.... nice.

Maybe, chemistry and connection, are highly overrated. I think, the only two times I've been hit... they killed me. And look where they've gotten me. Took me 10 years to get over TLOML. 5 years in the relationship, trying to get out. And 5 years out of the relationship, trying to get in.

After *TLOML, I promised myself. Never again. But at the same time, every love was compared to that. Measured by that.

For a long time I wondered if I could really ever love again.... or if I was just.... numb.

Because as much as I fought, and ran from it... nothing compared to it. If I didn't feel the same.. I wondered if I was settling. If I even loved the person.

Funnily enough, lightning did strike twice. And perhaps. Even harder. What took me 2 years to realise with TLOML, I sensed almost immediately with... TOWRA. Thankfully.. this was not another 10 year epic. Though, 1 year. Is bad enough methinks.

So why reconsider my stance on chemistry and connection?

Especially when I might have mentioned before, the one time I totally skipped that and went against my gut feeling, and went with what my mother and friends had felt was best for me (and I liked him... enough... I guess) ... that turned out to be the most horrible, abusive, two year relationship of my life?!

Like an old friend - who messaged me yet again, after another drunken night out at godknowswhattime in the morning... to ask me.. yet again... If I would think about going on a date with him. (This is... his third time, asking in a drunken state in... 2 mths?) - said, after I asked him, "err.. why? We've known each other for a long time. And you know we're friends.."

"Because Sara. Love can come from anywhere."

Maybe he has a point?

Maybe each time I've told him, err. No. We're friends. No.

Maybe I should say... Perhaps?

Because.. that was how I landed up having dinner yesterday, with someone who I met a few years ago. I gave it a chance, right?

I hate it whenever people have said I'm fussy. Because, I really am not. I just, go with my gut. And how I feel.

Just that. Well. The gut and the feels... hahahahahaha... have really only happened twice! So far.

Another friend I was chatting with on Facebook the other day again brought up the, "But you're too fussy."

"I'm not la. I really just.. look for a connection right? Because that's what it's all about."

"Well Sara, isn't insisting on having a connection... being fussy?"

I have to say. It made me think.

So.. If that is the case. Then. I guess, there are 3 more people I owe dates to.

Before possibly considering the friend.

And no...

I didn't call guy at Taxi stand.

And no...

I haven't set up Tinder or Okcupid.


I don't know why I guess I haven't. And I can't explain it... except that...  I know I don't need to.

Somehow, I just know.. that whatever I have wanted. This year.. I will get.

I've always felt that what will be, will be.

And whatever is meant to be, God/The Universe, will send to me.

Given.... ok. I know I've made my mistakes before. Like with TLOML. And no matter what I did, and no matter how much we both tried after that mistake... we just.. couldn't.

Trust was gone.


So.. I also have to bear in mind. That sometimes, it's not just what God/The Universe that sends it to us.

It's the choices we make too, with the cards we are dealt.

And since I learnt my lesson and got seriously burnt... At least I know now, not to make the same mistake.

Funny how history repeats itself even 12 years later though eh. Surreal. Same timing too. Never expected the role reversal. But, karma bites like a bitch. And I have an ass that allows for good aim.

So. Onwards. Here we go.

Let the games begin.

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