Monday, March 31, 2014

For the first time today...

I felt ... like I might need to write a song again.

Something in me that welled up. An emotion I felt that started me singing and songwriting in the first place exactly 10 years ago.

When I lost the one thing,  that was so important to me.

And the dark days ensued...

I'm afraid. Because I have known that darkness before. And it was a quagmire.

Gym etiquette: Should I walk around the gym naked after my shower?


In case that was not clear enough for you.

I am actually one of those girls who strangely enough, has hardly any care when in the proximity of friends. I have terrorised my close pals by walking out starkers when we are sharing rooms. Acknowledging their discomfort by barely shrugging on a bathrobe to cover my modesty. And yes, quite often at home, the dresscode is pantsfree.

Strangely enough, for someone who is that nonchalant about nudity in front of my mom/sis/good pals - I am strangely paranoid about being seen in swimwear. Trust me. I don't get it either. But tell me to put a swimsuit on, and I freak out. It was not easy for me being in the Supermodel or Miss Universe contests, I can tell you that much. There were lots of tears and howling. And that was just from my parents who did not like to think that their precious daughter was being paraded like meat in front of a live TV audience streamed to more than 1 million households in nothing more than skimpy pieces of cloth masquerading as swimwear.

But, in that same vein, while I am pretty cool about nudity around me, I do recall being rather perturbed, when I was working out at this gym that used to be at the heart of town.

The first gym I belonged to, I used to think of it as a hamster cage, as it was mostly glass and everyone could look through and see you sweating it out. A lot of the women wore make up to work out. Something I did not understand. (Still don't. So I look like crap when I work out. Thank you very much. And I don't smell like flowers either.)

But it was at this particular gym one day, when an aunty of about 40 - walked around starkers. Now, I can safely say that for someone in her 40's, she definitely was in good shape.

Till this day though, I cannot for the life of me remember her face (thank god), but I can remember most of her body, in particular, her rather hirsute pubic area, that was barely 7 inches from my face. Sans towel. Right in front of me.


Now fast forward to me now. In the work force. I would NOT want to see one of my clients/news-makers/bosses, in any form or manner of undress.

I am not the Russian Mafia. Turkish bathhouses are not my thing. I don't exactly need to see who I am dealing with without a stitch on to save his/her soul. (I am convinced they do meetings in bathhouses only for the easier clean-up) though I do get that you probably are likely to be more honest when you are feeling that vulnerable.

But even if I don't have to do business with you some time in the near future.

I kind of am not really keen on getting your sweaty body rubbed against mine.

For one, is there really a need?

I get that you are proud of your body. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Kudos. I'm glad for you.

But, even given my love for winging it Lady Godiva style, I use my "magic tricks" to get changed in the locker room.

Come on. All of us girls know a few.

The remove bra magic trick.

The change your underthings with towel still on trick - that most of us probably got used to during school days during PE sessions.

The shimmy and shake out trick.

The longer shirt that covers most things trick.

COME ON. Use some of these magical skills you learn in school. That's what they are there for.

We don't need to see your bits and bobs.

Speaking of which....

Ok. Rant over.


P.S. I do think that hot bodies are given more leeway. And more people are likely to stare, and forgive hot bodies who strut their stuff. But quite honestly, you are already looking that good. Don't need to make others feel bad about it right?



Sunday, March 30, 2014

When the past meets the present. . .

"... You've changed. ." he said, staring at me with those eyes that were once so familiar to me.

"We all have to grow up some time, " I said with a wistful smile on my face.

We all have to grow up some time.

"We are defined by the decisions that we make. What we choose. The paths we didn't take. " - saraannk

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Home alone. ...

Shrouded in silence.  Wrapped in solitude. On the comfort of my couch.

I have forgotten how lovely it can be to be alone. To enjoy time by myself.

Whenever I was away from home,  I seldom thought about it. How I was alone. Perhaps,  I took it for granted. Perhaps, on extended periods, it started to feel lonely.

Strangely, I have felt more lonely when surrounded by people. Lost in a crowd. Feeling out of place.

Maybe it's a sign of growing up. Getting  used to the peace. Not feeling the need to fill it with noise.. to do something.. talk to friends on whatsapp... blast out my thoughts on social media.. head out with pals for a drink...

No. I am... enjoying the dark.

No need for the background noise of the TV.

Just.. one. At peace with myself. Who I am. Who I hope to be. Choices I've made. Every step that has come to this.

There is no anxiety or fear.. no wondering what could have been, or what will be... there just... is.

I don't think I've ever been this acutely aware of being present.

Being comfortable with who I am.

And for some reason,  I'm actually grateful for this space. This. . gift.

A slice of time all to myself.

It is well with my soul.


Friday, March 28, 2014


I'm sorry
If I seem
Like too much love
Or emotions to handle

I am full of passions and dreams
For many things
One of which
Was you

But perhaps
It is time
To waste them
On someone else

Someone who might actually
Love me back.

- saraannk

Thursday, March 27, 2014


I used to love this song.

Haunting melody. And it was around the time I met him too. Cool dude, a bit of a introverted poetic genius type. We talked about love. Life. And for some reason, I don't know why I can't seem to find it, but I remember him talking about his pole-dancing wife. But it was all so long ago.. so details are a bit fuzzy.

I'm sure he does not remember me at all. But when we talked about this song, he said something that he repeated in interviews...

That this song was about him breaking up with a woman he really loved, but who he never had business getting involved with in the first place.

Whenever I listened to it after, I could hear it. The pain in his vocals, that while raw and unpolished, rang true and truthful to his pain.

In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye

Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me

In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind

This is goodbye...



Tuesday, March 25, 2014


My feet are aching... but they are itching to leave...

To walk away, and traverse the endless paths that make up our universe.

I want to see. Do. Taste. Touch. Feel.

But my feet are bound. Not by culture. But by desk and by duty.

My passport, always on the ready. In my bag, like a gun in a holster, waiting to be drawn.

How wonderful it must be, to not be tied down to anything. To fly free. And experience all that life has to offer.

How amazing it would be, to do that with you.

The more I experience, the more I realise, that we are not unique. That our experiences, our emotions, sometimes, even our fates and destinies... others have seen, thought, felt, or gone through before.

Like we are drawing from a collective memory bank. Making withdrawals from the same pool of shared experiences.

How else does it explain a poet, so accurately expressing what I feel in words..

A song, so perfectly capturing my tears.

How else does it explain so many people, on instagram, all over the world, professing that they too, are like you. They want the same things. Go the same places.

But they are not you..

We are all as unique as everyone else...



p.s. A friend once likened me to the movie Runaway Bride. I guess, it is true.

I do tend to run away.

When will I find someone who will want to make me stay? Not because I feel a need to. Not because I feel like I have to. But because I want to.

A question that was shot to Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride, when people around her told her that all she did, was conform or adapt to the guys she was with.... how do you like your eggs?

Well. That's just it right? It usually depends on my mood and where I am. I just love eggs. Scrambled with cheese, and when I fluff them up with a splash of milk and add a lil truffle salt. Egg white omelettes. Or stuffed with a spinach ricotta mix. Poached - eggs benedict. Hard boiled sometimes, with a dollop of mayo, or sambal. And at others, half-boiled, with a dash of dark or light soya sauce, with pepper.

I guess, what I need, is not the eggs. But a chef who can make them all.

Sigh. It's so tough to find someone who knows or can keep all my plates spinning.

Meanwhile, my mind.. and my heart.. keep wandering.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Real Love.

It scares the shit outta me

It all depends on one's idea of love. What is love to you? Is it the strong security and stability of a relationship? Or is it the highs and lows along with the ebbs and flows of passion?

To me, it is both.

But what does real love feel like to me?

When you discover it, it feels like... you've been deprived of something big all your life. Like your sight, or your limbs. Like you've not realised, but you've been living paralysed. And you're slowly understanding and getting to used to that fact that you have these muscles that can be used. You have this arm. Or a leg.

And when you put them to the test, stretch them out to use them, they ache, because they are muscles you've never used in a long time, or never before.

Then.. you slowly get used to it. This thing that you never realised was a part of you, and you don't even know how you lived without it before.

In time, you maybe even take it for granted, because now you see it as something that has always been there. And maybe always will be.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child who you have raised. I have heard that having a child is like having your beating heart live outside of your body.

The idea scares me senseless.. because I know not how to love in halves. When I love, truly love... I love wholly, truly and way too deeply.

But have you experienced that kind of love that renders you helpless?

No matter how you try to run. Hide. Fight. It's just there. Flowing through your veins. In your soul. Pulsing under your skin with every beat of your heart.

And when you lose it, or it disappears, it feels like death... because a part of you, a limb, has been chopped off. The same limb you discovered, started getting used to, savagely ripped from your body. And the pain.. and the grief that follows, especially if you don't understand why, is almost too much to bear.

I am scared of that kind love. And yet, I want it. I fight it, as much as I fight for it.

It is a love I call TOO. Too much.. Too soon.. Too fast.. Too intense.. Too good.. Too painful.. Everything about it is just... Too.

It sounds like young love. Puppy love. A phase. But you are, we are too old. Too jaded. Too cynical for that.

It would be so much easier to have someone who ticks all the boxes.

We all wish for a prince charming. A tall, dark and handsome man who drives a fancy car, whisks you to nice places, surprises you with nice things.

It would be easier, if it were that nice banker who thinks nothing of spoiling you with luxury holidays. That boy from the plutocratic family, who showers you with anything you want or need. That handsome actor, whom everyone desires. That supermodel that everyone openly lusts over. Or even that engineer, quiet and stoic and caring, who will do everything in his power to please you. Or even that fund owner who worships the ground you walk on.

It would have been easier, if it were anyone but you.

But no, love comes in many shapes and sizes and colors. It comes when you least expect it. It comes even when you don't want it.

And as much as I try. I can't help it.

It's you. Maybe it always has been. Always will be.

Love, is not a choice.
But choosing to stay and love... standing there, with my heart in hand..............

I don't know.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Of pets

Rescuing a terrified abandoned dog - The transformation

I love this video on many ways. In some,  because I've seen the rise of abandoned/lost dogs in the last few weeks, and it has pained me.

As I looked up the definition of pet, I had a revelation...
pet 1   (pĕt)
 An animal kept for amusement or companionship.
 3. A person especially loved or indulged; a favorite: the teacher's pet.
 Kept as a pet: a pet cat.
 Particularly cherished or indulged: a pet grandchild.
 Expressing or showing affection: a pet name.
 Being a favorite: a pet topic.
I think the thing I have a problem with,  is the definition that a pet is kept for amusement or companionship. A plaything.

That is absolutely selfish.

All those responsible pet ownership campaigns. They are absolutely true.  Choosing to have one,  is a lifetime commitment. It is cruel to get a pet,  and then change your mind just because it doesn't fit your lifestyle anymore. It's not cute anymore. It's not what you wanted anymore. And then just leave.

It reminded me of a passage in The Little Prince, where the Fox was explaining that once you have tamed something, made it your own,  it will always belong to you. Like the rose. It is why we are taught not to feed wild animals, because when you do, they become domesticated, dependant. Needing to rely on you. And when that happens, when that human contact is gone, and the creature has lost its animal instincts it becomes vunerable.

It can't feed itself as well. It becomes a sitting duck for hunters and poachers for instance.

Abandoning an animal, something that you loved and cared for, and loved and cared for you in its own way in return, is one of the most cruel things any one can do.

Watching the clip, I realised that we're like this dog as well. After being abandoned, betrayed, disappointed by another human just vanishing...  we often don't realise the hurt still remains. Maybe we've already lost hope. Think we're better off by ourselves, and become bitter and choose to be alone, rather than hurt again.

The thing is, if you look at the definition of pet, pet also means something deeply loved and cherished. It is why in literature,  "my pet" was often used as a term of affection. Something treasured above all else. And we all, naturally, want to be loved,  cherished and adored.

It's not like this poor doggy did not want love or food. It was ferocious because it was acting on pure instinct putting self-defense mechanisms on. Self-preservation.

The last time it was touched by a human, was probably when it's owner left it somewhere, and never came back. Maybe there was a crowd of naughty local boys who teased the poor dog, tempted the hungry thing with food, and when it came close enough, put cans on its tail, or lit it on fire.

That's why when humans came close again, it snarled. Snapped. Growled.

It was terrified, shaking and quivering with fear. Not having faith or trust that there was good in the world anymore.



A person willing to take that chance and risk being bitten.

And most importantly. .. love.

Look at how the doggy transformed when real, true love was sowed.

She blossomed into a beautiful, happy little dog again. Willing to give and receive love again.

And that my dears, is what so many of us are like.

We're hurt. Terrified. Scared and scarred by our pasts. And sometimes, like these animals, we are unable to speak about them too.

Till we meet that one person, who helps us learn how to trust and brings out the best in us all over again.
I don't know if I've met that person yet. I don't know if that person is you. .. or maybe someone I might meet next week.

But that whoever that person is for me, I know you will have the patience to try, try, try. You won't be scared away by the snapping and the growling. And you won't give up. Because that's what I will promise I will do with you too once you have my heart.

Everyone needs a little rescuing some times. And for all we know,  you might rescue me ... and land up realising, I saved you too.