Tuesday, December 30, 2014

=) Almost time to say goodbye

This year has been an interesting one...

Well, for one, I experienced... something that I haven't really had in a long time. But I had a lot of prayers answered. One of the ones at the top of the prayer list: That I would learn to feel, and open up my heart again.

"And now I also know that if you come to love someone, fear comes too"
- Do Ming Joon, Ep 14, My Love from Another Star

That. Was the biggest lesson I had of 2014.

A really good guy friend of mine (who I happened to date like a lifetime ago - but we figured we were more like twins than anything) and I had a hilarious conversation that went somewhat like this some time in Nov this year...

Him: Damn
Me: Yup.
Him: Well, you didn't tell me you felt that way about him.
Me: hahahaha.
Him: So... it's over?
Me: Sigh. Yup.
Him: I'm sorry hon.
Me: This "emotion" thing. It SUCKS.
Him: Uh huh.
Me: I really don't know what to do.
Him: I also don't get it. ... So, what should I do now?

It was pretty funny really. Two people, who once dated. Who bonded over the mutual inability to FEEL. Bonding over meeting their kryptonite, who made them feel all sorts of things that they've never felt before.

At the end of the day... I am happy that... I finally met someone that had all the elusive qualities that I always thought I would never find in just one person. (Hence, why I have never settled down. I don't want to be unfair. I know that if I feel 'something is missing' I'll give it my all, but... my heart and soul won't be in it. And that's just... settling.)

Happy that I met someone that I knew.. that I would and could (and did) make the right decisions for. And I'm proud of myself for it. Knowing that I've grown, and am different from who I used to be.

I'm happy even though... I never quite bargained for the fact that the one person that had all the puzzle pieces that I wanted in the box, also... had the flaws and vices that have hurt me most in my life too!!!!

(But I totally should have seen that one coming right?! hahaha.. Ying. And Yang. 

OF COURSE, that would be the way life would have it. Otherwise, why would i be the #comedychannelforthegods, right?)

All in all.. I'm just happy that the story happened any way... even though it may not have had a happy ending.

Just thinking back.. all the memories I have from it... they make me happy. And even though I've let go and moved on, the occasional memory still makes me smile like a goofy sap to myself. So... can't have been a bad thing at all. =)

I'm grateful for all the travel I've had this year. Because that was a big prayer answered. I remember last year, at the beginning of the year I prayed that this would be a year filled with travel. And indeed, it has been.

That I spent time in all the places that I really wanted to go.

I am grateful that.. some of the things that I wanted, very specifically, that all came to fruition.

My family... is healthy. And alive.

In general... I honestly... have nothing to complain about.

It has been an amazing, wonderful year. One of love and loss.

And though some of my friends, and relatives, have taken the earlier bus to heaven... I am grateful that they've reminded me of how precious life is. How short life is.

I'm also grateful, for the new lives that have come into the world. Friends.. and oh, some of the most adorable babies... and such cute reminders of the love that I have around me and have surrounded myself with.

And... the even newer ... interesting people in my life. ;-)

I am even grateful for the past that has seemed to come back into my life over the last few week.

The Ex-retrospective life has been giving me. Goodness knows why. But it has been... interesting. Fun. Funny. Amazing. Healing. Surprising even at times. And.. I am grateful that all of them have been a part of my life too.

The only regret I do have for this year, as it comes to a close?

Sky dive.

I promised myself that I would get it done this year. And sooo many times I was so close to doing it. But it was always either bad timing. Or even bad weather!

But, I won't let that stop me.

2015.... I'm excited.

Bring. It. On.

Friday, December 26, 2014

A secret

This year was I think the first time in 10 years... since TLOML... that I experienced something that... I don't even know how to define.

It was real. Scarily so. That I... was out of my depth.

One of the frightening things about it was... for the first time, I did not see an end. And that in itself... was scary.

Like a previous post... with that apt poem by Lang Leav...

"I don’t know if what we had was love, but if it wasn’t, I hope never to fall in love. Because of you, I know I am too fragile to bear it."

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Where are you.. My Do Ming Joon

Have you ever watched "My love from another star"?
For the last 6 mths.. I have felt like that is my life.
Career... taking a dive.
Getting depressed.
Just doing anything you have to do at work, because... that's all you know.
Grinning and bearing it, even when you hate it.

I've laughed to myself a little.. When I've realised what I'm doing.. saying... experiencing.... was almost like a scene on the show.
Kinda funny eh.

I guess.. I can only take comfort in the fact that her career turns around.
And things, take a turn for the better.

I was reading the synopsis recently on dramabeans, and I realised that quite a lost was lost in translation... Or sometimes, not translated at all. Like in scenes where they were reading either messages, or books, or journals at times.

This particular scene jumped at me.... because I never realised how poignant the selection of poetry or books were in the show. 

Min-joon arrives home and hears the voices next door as Mom urges Song-yi to stop crying. Heart heavy, he picks up his book again (the Miraculous Journey story) and resumes reading, the words landing with poetic sadness:
Look at me.
Grandmother made a wish.
I learned how to love.
That was a terrible thing.
It hurts.
My heart hearts.
Please help me.

Excerpt above from http://www.dramabeans.com/2014/02/you-from-another-star-episode-17/