Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I had hoped, and wished, and prayed.. that this year, for my birthday.. I would finally get to spend it with someone I love. Someone who loved me back.
Don't get me wrong. I have spent lots of really great birthdays with friends and family. Awesome ones even.
Just that.. my birthday has never been a great experience for me, except.. well. Maybe this one time, more than a decade ago. And even then.. I ruined the atmosphere of the night, constantly nagging about not having a camera to capture the moments.
Ah. I was such a fool then. But we live and learn.
I know this sounds silly.. But.. I guess. I've never really celebrated any real special occasions with another half. Christmas. New Year. Usually only THEIR birthdays, not mine.
I can probably go on for ages, on how different birthdays of mine were, well. Horrid. (And for some, that might actually be an understatement.) But I don't like dwelling on past negative experiences. Where does that bring us.. right? Always look forward. Never look back.
I guess.. I am a romantic.
I like.. making things special for the people I love, as much as I can. Birthdays. Holidays. Sometimes.. little treats. Just showing them that I love and care I guess.
And... it's just been a long time since I've actually had ***someone who had my heart plan something awesome, and treat me like I'm special too.
Why am I suddenly thinking about this when my birthday is 2 months off?
Well, last night I was having supper, after an event, with two very distinguished gentlemen. (Quite possibly, the best dressed that Boon Tong Kee has ever seen with their dapper jackets, smart shoes and even a bowtie.
My Japanese godfather/brother/uncle/mentor Aki-San whose birthday is a mere few days away from mine, reminded me how he, 13 years ago, as my birthday present, flew TLOML -still, a broke, struggling student then- back to SG for my birthday as a surprise.
I mean.. seriously.
How many people on earth do you know, that has such a generous heart and soul?
And then. to top that off, TLOML had something pretty special planned too. For an Ah Beng boy, I have to say, his attempt at poetry managed to stay in my head till this day.
I have also had some other really amazing gifts for my bday. Soft toys sent back in a care package, complete with mixed cds and, a thumbdrive, with a video of the person who learnt how to sing and play one of my fave songs on guitar for me - a gift that made me cry. But.. well. Said person was not in box, sadly.
Who knows. Whatever will be will be eh?
After all, that song, seems to be about me.
Que sera sera.
*** I have had some really amazing guys plan some really spectacular things for me before. And I would like to thank them for their sincerity, which definitely moved me.
But.. I guess. It's just slightly different when it is from someone who truly has captured your heart. Right?
Oh well. Who knows. It is 2 mths. Still might be able to pull it off.
Wish me luck!
Monday, April 28, 2014
Yesterday, I was sandwiched by two of, arguably, Singapore's finest bachelors... Seriously. These two are the whole package. Not even kidding. One of them I think has been featured before in top bachelor lists. The other, has refused to take part. (Though both, I would argue, are overqualified.)
And MFAM, despite being rather tipsy from a pool party, went out to get groceries to make me baked nachos, with chilli and salsa and guacamole from scratch. And I mean.. this guy can cook! There is something incredibly sexy about a man who can take care of you, yes?
I mean... the last time The dude cooked for me was a chicken tagine. I am sure I am spelling that wrong. But.. it was yumscrummilicious.
Well.. our other mate swung by, ALSO TIPSY might I add, to round up this awesome threesome.
A very "spirited" crowd to catch what turned out to be a rather dismal Liverpool match.
Yes. The three of us, all "scousers".
I think, me and JWFFH then proceeded to have a chat.. till 4.30am. Time flew by as we were trading stories, and realising, only just now, (we all met in 2010), that we have many mutual family friends, and probably would have seen each other growing up.
Always.. surreal despite the knowledge at how small Singapore is.
This evening, late after work though. I had the privilege of spending time with another 3 chaps. All brilliant too. All fine, single, prime gentlemen. Good jobs. Great places in life too.
One of them.. I think our friendship was cemented when I was taking a month-long sojourn in BKK - and he flew down from Shanghai just to hang and chill with me. Helped that we stayed in a super swank place. (Which totally giggled at me while I was making reservations, and specifying each time, that I was staying WITH A FRIEND, so could they please change it to TWO beds and not one.)
No questions about why I am not dating any of these five please. Or any of the bros or boys in my life.
And one more time I hear.. that I am fussy. Or I should date my best guy friend. Or that.. my friends would definitely have been interested in me at least once. While, this might be true.. I think all of my guy pals, are all people that I genuinely treasure.
I just don't understand people who don't think platonic friendships are possible. Not sure if I trust them either.
I think people who think platonic relationships are impossible, are the ones who think everything revolves around sex. And honestly, are probably more likely to cheat. Because they don't believe that people can handle things like sexual tension in a mature manner, and choose to make sensible decisions.
Trust me, I've had platonic relationships all my life. All my besties, have always been male. And I treasure all my dudes. As much as I do my gals. Though, my selection of gal pals, is a lot smaller. Most, have been friends for more than 10 years.
I'm not that sure, if this is a result of being a daddy's girl. And possibly, because I've always liked stuff like cars. Trains. Fast things. Robots. Guns. From a young age, (And, my parents encouraged it, and didn't really tell me stuff like, "That's not girly. Don't do it.") that I possibly relate to guys better?
Or... because I have an inherent distrust of females. This has nothing to do with most females, because I have met some fine specimens in my older years that I adore in my life, and wouldn't trade for the world..... but because even as a child... females were... my tormentors.
As a kid in primary school, I was always the target of bullies. And these bullies were never guys. They were always a pack of Mean Girls. Who called me names. Were friends as and when they needed an extra player for games. Teased me relentlessly about my "colour" or my weight. (I was chubby, and the only mixed kid in a Chinese school) And... in general, just made life miserable for me. I guess as a kid desperately trying to fit in, and find your way in life, you just... try to roll with the punches. So you learn to let insults slide off your back.
In some ways, they prepared me for some of the worst bosses I've had. Prepared me for life - jobs like modelling - where you get constant criticism and rejection. And, inter"estingly enough, a few people have commented at various times, that.. "I'm good. People can say anything. Even the most insulting things, and I will not let it affect me,"
It's good because it means that I do have a higher stomach, and can withstand bad bosses longer, but, at the same time, it also makes me... put up with more bad behaviour. Because I always think... well.. that isn't THAT BAD...
The thing is though, throughout those years of bullying, the nicest people to me in my life (even when I was a pudgy fat kid, so... no, it was not about how I looked) were always guys. My bestie DC for instance. Or another bestie KT. They weren't outsiders or outcasts like I was. But, yeah... boys were always the ones that included me in games. (Like hantam bolah) Respected and were genuinely happy for me when I found stuff I was good at.. And generally, always included me in their lives. No questions asked.
I think that's why I'm also one of those gal pals that gets trusted with the husbands. I know many of them don't get one on one time alone with gals. But.. I'm usually on the "approved list".
I did realise.. I am truly blessed. I think I am often privvy to some very interesting conversations because... I am.. cool enough to be considered a bro. But hot enough, to be treated like a chick. Best of both worlds.
I have ridiculously handsome besties like MBF (who I don't quite see enough, cos he does have a colorful social life, and to be fair, has been super busy with work) ... and amazing bros.. like the rugger boys... who I've known since I was what? 14?! And they've just been there for me all my life. Even though all of them now are amazing men who have families.
Honestly, some of them, I still can't imagine as dads. Haha.. The transition has been rather.. enlightening to say the least. Some of them are still manchildren. Scratch that. Most of them are. And to see how they interact with their kids. It's usually a hoot and a half.
My Malaysian boys.. Which, funnily enough, include 2 girls that I think, are similar to myself. More guy friends than girls.
Either way, my point is... I had fun both nights.. and as I spend more time with brilliant, intelligent, sensitive and wise men like these, all who have drive, ambition and goals... I keep reminding myself, that yes... there are men out there that do exist. Actual nice guys.
So... to these awesome men....
Especially the three that I introduced these tracks to today...
I'm glad you're in my life. Each and everyone of you. No matter how you came in.. (and booooy do we have some interesting stories on how we met. *grin*)
Looks like I'll have to pay, Taipei, NY, Shanghai and Melbourne visits soon eh?
And ladies and gentlemen,,,
I present you, the soundtracks of the day.
Miley Cyrus and Jared Leto. Trust me, You will get goosebumps.
First of all...
I want to wish a very special friend a very happy belated birthday. This friend is... Hmm. Ok la. I don't know how to describe it. I know he wouldn't call me a best friend. And I wouldn't dare call him that either.
But... He makes me laugh.
He's.. probably been weirded out when I've cried. hahahahaha...
And there are things about me that he probably knows better than anyone else, because he really is a good sounding board.
And.. even if I was boring... he's never made it sound like he was bored.
Honestly .. He's probably one of the most awesome men I've had the pleasure of knowing in my life.
I have nothing.. but respect for him.
Because, of all the men I've known in this lifetime.. He comes closest.. to the godfather I had, who I idolised. And I still.. miss him. Very much.
I feel bad.. that I can't cheer this friend of mine up. Because it feels like there is the weight of the world on his shoulders.
That I can only be a cheerleader.. by the sidelines..
I thought I'd add...
In again, for good measure. Cos.. well.
I'm not saying this has happened to me before. I'm not saying this has not happened to me before either.
But.. either way, Digits - this one is for you.
To all the awesome Urban Dictionary meanings of your name.
You're really.. a very special person.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Being accused falsely.
In fact... it's a super huge pet peeve, because whether it was at home....
Or by a former *&$#$/% of a boss... I always got falsely accused of stuff I did not do.
And I hate it.
So when a friend accused me of doing something today. I jumped.
And then my friend burst out laughing.
"Ok la. Ok la. I believe you."
"You always get super kan cheong. Then get verbal diarrhoea. All PIAK out liddat, machaam guilty whenever you are innocent....
Maybe cos you debates last time. When you're fighting for something you believe . . . You cannot shaddup one la.
Only when you are quiet. .. then you dangerous!"
I think.... I need to learn how to play poker. Get some pokerface going on.
Actions speak louder than words.
If you make a deal and break it.....
There is no more trust.
And without trust. There is nothing.
I'm the kind of person who if I say, I'll try my best to make it. I will really try my best. If I say, I will be there. I might be super, duper late if other things hold me up. But I WILL get my ass there. Even if it kills me. And no matter what happens along the way.
And if I say, it's a deal.
It is a deal.
I'll keep to my end of the promise.
Apparently though, these days finding people who are good for their word, is pretty rare.
Disappointing. But true.
Either way. We live and learn.
And new No 1 rule: Make sure a person is good for their word.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But what does it say when someone fools me more than that? Says it's time to ship out.
Flakiness. Fickleness. Indecision. = Intolerable.
But someone who makes you a deal, and promptly "forgets" it because it's convenient for them? That's pretty unforgivable.
There's a lesson in everything, eh?
Better I know about a person's character or lack thereof, earlier, rather than later.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
I've brought up TLOML a few times before.
People who used to read my old blog knew him as D, or... DT, or The One.
I know a few people have asked me since.. what ever happened to TLOML - The Love Of My Life.
Some others have also recently asked.. whootf is this character.
So. A background story.
In 1999. I had gone through 2 very devastating relationships. So I was on a rampage. Dating like crazy. Breaking hearts. It was.. an interesting time. Fun time too. I remember partying. Non stop. Drinking. Like a fish. Every single night, hitting the town. It was pretty crazy.
And then I met him. D.
Honestly.. I was not even attracted at the time. He was not my type. Not the kind I usually went for at all. But, I figured, he was on holiday. Why not. Have a fling right?
It was selfish on my part I guess. And I was in a very selfish stage.
But little did I know.. what I kept running from initially, turned out to be what I wanted and needed the most.
First let me say this. I was an absolute fucking selfish bitch.
And I'm not happy nor proud of myself to say it. But, honesty is key.
For the first two years, every time he left (he studied in the States) I tried to break up with him. I actually thought I was fine each time he left. And that he was being the emotional and dramatic one.
I never realised... that it was because each time he left... he left a void.. and my coping mechanism.. was filling it with other people instead. Or going places. Activities. Hanging out.
Those people were, interchangeable I guess. Never really meant much. But, I did have some memorable connections and friendships with some of them as well. But each and everyone of them always knew.. it was always him. He was the one who had my heart.
For 2 years, Des tolerated me "needing to be free". Actually letting me go. Biting his tongue as I dated other people a few times.
Each time I saw him with someone else though, it killed me. And I didn't understand why. I could not stand it. Even things that were, irrational. I never was the jealous type. But... seeing him on a TV with a girl would make my stomach churn. Literally.
I was still too... emotionally immature. And not ready to feel "tied down" or "give my freedom up" - I never realised that was not what he was asking for. Though yes. He did want marriage.
He was.. my rock. My everything. Really. Literally, he felt like the blood that was in my veins. He could always... sense me. Read me. Heck, the guy used to get sympathy cramps when he was in HK and I was in SG.
He gave, and gave and gave. And he was one of the most generous souls. And I... took and took and took. Don't get me wrong.. I gave too. But not like him. He gave me selflessly.
While managing his sports scholarship for instance, he took up a part time job to pay for my phone bills secretly. He would send me thoughtful gifts. Sweet things. Try to write me poetry because he knew I liked it. Which... i... in my haughty, vain "I am so intellectual" state, would laugh at.
The sweet things he would do for me. Flowers. Picking me up when he was in town. Going out of his way to always call to say good morning. Call to say goodnight. I never even understood why he would flip out when I was uncontactable. I thought he was being needy. For him... he was just... worried.
Trust me. These days, I look back at it, and I am not laughing now.
It is hard to find any one... who is really, that good of a person. That good of a man. And I hate myself, for chipping some of that away. Hardening him because of the hurt.
He felt then though, sometimes, like a devoted puppy I could not get rid of. I would get annoyed. Irritated. But there was just something about him too, that I knew... was special. That I loved. This... feeling that he was meant to be in my life as someone.
The truth is... from the first time we connected... he was in my system. And he never left. Perhaps, something in me knew even then.
But I fought it. because he was not what I had envisioned for myself at all. Not from a "branded school". Not from a "family". Didn't dress the way I liked. Talked the way I liked. Didn't look the way I liked. Didn't like the things I did. Or wanted to do. There were about a million different things I thought were wrong. Timing. Career. I had so much I still wanted to do.
But there was still... this pull.
It was only 2 years into the on-off relationship, that I realised. I really loved the guy. That he was... TLOML.
I was miserable with him. Miserable without him.
But again... I was young. And I felt the need to "be free". And after another torturous 6 mths of long distance, I said I wanted someone to be by my side all the time. So we took a break. I told him that I loved him. But that I could not be in anything serious. That I still had plans. Big plans for myself. I guess... I also had thought that maybe... he would always be there.
In reality.. I met this guy. Who intrigued me. It was new. It was fascinating. It was fun. And... I had actually met him a few years before, when I was still in college. He had been in a serious relationship, on the fast track to marriage back then. So he was unavailable at the time.
But now... he was a doctor. Newly Single. Handsome (just appeared on TV then as one of the most handsome docs in sg) The type I usually went for. The look I usually went for. Same kind of family background. In fact, he worked with some members of my family. Everything... seemed... well. Exciting.
And I didn't care. About anything. Anyone. Any consequences. I wanted it. And I went for it. And that was that.
Then TLOML suddenly called. Are you seeing anyone? He asked. I am seeing a few people, I replied.
"This guy. Whoever this guy is now. Not him. Anyone else... Just not him. Don't Sara. It will break me. It will break us. We won't get back from this. Remember what you told me? Don't do anything out of the relationship, that you might regret, if we get back in it."
I was annoyed. Irritated. I called him dramatic. Told him I knew what I was doing. I wouldn't be stupid. I thought I was in the right. I always assumed I was smarter afterall. And I thought I was not wrong because I was being honest with him. And we were on a break.
Heck. I thought I was in love. And that guy msged me that he loved me too! So I was flying high...
I should have known the split second my brain clicked.. and went should I? Should I not? This.. doesn't feel right. But I'm drunk. Having fun. Fuck it! Nobody will know.
That was Apr, 2002.
Funny timing too eh.
But I was wrong.
He always had been able to sense me.
And he did. Just like the other times he could sense other things. Whether it was other people who were hovering. .. waiting for the kill. Or if I was sick. Or if I was in trouble. He just... knew.
He did try to forgive me, and we did get back together after that big mistake... but... since I am obviously... not mentioning in my stories these days. And we know, that for the last 10 years, I've been in search of something elusive.... you know the story doesn't end with a happy ever after.
The thing is.. before that mistake.. i actually knew. That we had some sort of destiny. Fate. Maybe.. that was part of why I kept running away. It scared me senseless. I remember once, thinking.. Ok God. Let's do a test. I am going to randomly go to a place tonight. And... let the one I'm supposed to be with, appear.
Yup. He appeared. Smiling. In front of me. And I kept thinking.. OMG, please not him! Don't let it be him!
Sigh. Be careful what you wish for people. Some times, those wishes do come true. Even when they're not what you want any more.
Me & D were always pretty in tune with each other in a weird way even though we spent more time apart then together. We always had problems communicating our real emotions... But the feelings were always, as strong. I knew that we were meant to be the day we both, while he was in the States, and I was in SG, had two sides of the same dream. It was freaky. He could tell me everything I said in the dream. I could tell him everything he said. We basically, saw our future. Right down to the details. It was... weird. But... we knew.
All my pals always thought I would be the first to get hitched. They saw me witg him. How he adored me. Treated me like a princess.. and they figured we were shoo ins for longest couple together.
After my mistake... we did get back together... He loved me.. That silly man. And really tried to make it work. We actually seemed to bounce back stronger than before. We had ... a hope... for the future. We thought we would be ok.
Then one day, I had a bad dream. I woke up in tears.. telling him.. I had dreamt of meeting him at a party. With a woman who was pregnant. And was not me. And I was at the party, and I had achieved all I wanted... but.. he was with someone else.
He laughed, and tried to comfort me. Told me we had gotten over the worst storm, and we would definitely land up together. Happy. With a fairytale ending.
I knew in my gut even then...
It had changed our paths.
Whatever I had done. What I had chosen. Our paths, that were initially meant to be together. Would grow apart.
I only really got over him in 2009. Because after we split, we spent another 5 years apart. Pining for each other. Even while dating other people. It was... excruciating. But we were helpless to it.
Falling into each others arms each time we saw each other, because it was like magnets. So we tried to not see each other at all. Cut everything off. And he moved away again.
It was a love that drove both of us mad. I turned down a job in HK because I was scared that being near him, but not with him, would drive me insane.
But I thought, that at least... we could be friends. And we actually... did still remain, really good friends. He was still, my person. And I was his.
But in 2009, he told me about her. And I still remember, meeting him in HK. As we sat there in the cafe, even in the drizzle. And somehow, I knew.... it was over. For good this time. We both knew. I finally woke up and that spell he had over me.. was finally... after 10 long years.. Broken.
Not too long before he got married. He called me one drunken night.. " I hate you. I can't forgive you. I have never been able to forgive you... because of him."
There were so many times. So many times that he could have chosen to hold against me. Other reasons he could loathe and detest me for. But it all boiled down ... for whatever reason.. to this. Maybe... because he sensed it. He warned me. He told me.
And he usually never asked for much.
But he did ask for this. But I was too self-indulgent to do that one simple thing.
The biggest mistake of my life.
And learnt the hard way.. that it was not worth it.
p.s. D. If you ever do read this. I want you to know, that.. I am sorry. With my whole being...
I recently had strangely enough, the same things happen to me. Have someone Say the exact same things to me. It .... made me feel horrible. All over again. Not because I still love you. Or haven't moved on.. Not even because it was being done to me. Or because of that person. But.. because I hate myself for the person I was when I met you.
Some people say, right person. Wrong time. We were at different places in our lives then.
D, you told me once. If it's the right person, you will always make it the right time.
I realise now. It was my choices. And.. I am so, so, sorry. For not treasuring what I had in you.
But.. we live and learn.
You moved on. You chose what you needed. And I am happy that you have found happiness.
I feel pained. Because I understand why you chose what you did. Why you walked away, even though, what we had was.. amazing. And it pained you. I was.. such a selfish bitch back then. And I did not deserve how selfless you were with me. But I learned so much from you.
You always... the most amazing, giving person I have met. And if I'm a nice person today.. It was because of you.
I am indebted. To you. In this, and many lifetimes to come.
For a meal. Not necessarily super expensive. But nice. On a date. Like.. a real date.
Where someone is actually trying to woo you. Court you.
Someone who tells you, you are worth it. And treats you as such.
A gentleman. Who treats you like a lady.
And it was.... nice.
Maybe, chemistry and connection, are highly overrated. I think, the only two times I've been hit... they killed me. And look where they've gotten me. Took me 10 years to get over TLOML. 5 years in the relationship, trying to get out. And 5 years out of the relationship, trying to get in.
After *TLOML, I promised myself. Never again. But at the same time, every love was compared to that. Measured by that.
For a long time I wondered if I could really ever love again.... or if I was just.... numb.
Because as much as I fought, and ran from it... nothing compared to it. If I didn't feel the same.. I wondered if I was settling. If I even loved the person.
Funnily enough, lightning did strike twice. And perhaps. Even harder. What took me 2 years to realise with TLOML, I sensed almost immediately with... TOWRA. Thankfully.. this was not another 10 year epic. Though, 1 year. Is bad enough methinks.
So why reconsider my stance on chemistry and connection?
Especially when I might have mentioned before, the one time I totally skipped that and went against my gut feeling, and went with what my mother and friends had felt was best for me (and I liked him... enough... I guess) ... that turned out to be the most horrible, abusive, two year relationship of my life?!
Like an old friend - who messaged me yet again, after another drunken night out at godknowswhattime in the morning... to ask me.. yet again... If I would think about going on a date with him. (This is... his third time, asking in a drunken state in... 2 mths?) - said, after I asked him, "err.. why? We've known each other for a long time. And you know we're friends.."
"Because Sara. Love can come from anywhere."
Maybe he has a point?
Maybe each time I've told him, err. No. We're friends. No.
Maybe I should say... Perhaps?
Because.. that was how I landed up having dinner yesterday, with someone who I met a few years ago. I gave it a chance, right?
I hate it whenever people have said I'm fussy. Because, I really am not. I just, go with my gut. And how I feel.
Just that. Well. The gut and the feels... hahahahahaha... have really only happened twice! So far.
Another friend I was chatting with on Facebook the other day again brought up the, "But you're too fussy."
"I'm not la. I really just.. look for a connection right? Because that's what it's all about."
"Well Sara, isn't insisting on having a connection... being fussy?"
I have to say. It made me think.
So.. If that is the case. Then. I guess, there are 3 more people I owe dates to.
Before possibly considering the friend.
I didn't call guy at Taxi stand.
I haven't set up Tinder or Okcupid.
I don't know why I guess I haven't. And I can't explain it... except that... I know I don't need to.
Somehow, I just know.. that whatever I have wanted. This year.. I will get.
I've always felt that what will be, will be.
And whatever is meant to be, God/The Universe, will send to me.
Given.... ok. I know I've made my mistakes before. Like with TLOML. And no matter what I did, and no matter how much we both tried after that mistake... we just.. couldn't.
Trust was gone.
So.. I also have to bear in mind. That sometimes, it's not just what God/The Universe that sends it to us.
It's the choices we make too, with the cards we are dealt.
And since I learnt my lesson and got seriously burnt... At least I know now, not to make the same mistake.
Funny how history repeats itself even 12 years later though eh. Surreal. Same timing too. Never expected the role reversal. But, karma bites like a bitch. And I have an ass that allows for good aim.
So. Onwards. Here we go.
Let the games begin.
Lately, I had a conversation with a pal on how I was worried about a friend who has been in a relationship that well... all of us frankly thought was just not good enough for her.
Don't get me wrong, we all want her to be happy, and at this point - they seem really happy.
But when it gets bad... I guess, she doesn't see it? Because she's all in love.
So, when I saw this by Michael Fiore, I thought, it might be good to share..
Don't know if she'll see this..
But, there are some things that I am guilty of as well. And some stuff that I've experienced before too, which, perhaps, I might have recognised, if I had read this too. So it's a good one to note.
THE 7 DEADLY SINS OF LOVE - MICHAEL FIORE
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington (whos brilliant) says that criticism is the gateway drug of a toxic relationship. (OK, he didnt say it EXACTLY like that. But its what he meant.)
Whats a criticism?
Its when you drag your partner over the coals not just for their actions but for who they are.
Dammit, Mark. Youre so inconsiderate. You knew I was here alone and you didnt even call me. What kind of person are you?
Criticism is TOXIC and has absolutely no place in a good relationship. Ill teach you how to talk about things you arent happy about in a relationship without being critical in a future email.
I need you home by 9:30. I have to be up early tomorrow and you know I cant sleep if youre not there next to me.
A couple weeks ago I was out with a female friend.
We spotted a guy across the restaurant.
Hes about 40. Short. Successful. Forgettable. Having dinner with a light looking blonde with pneumatic bosoms.
My friend knows the guy from years back.
Oh, man. Look, its Kyle. You know he actually has a curfew for his girlfriend? Whoever hes dating has to be home by a certain time or he blows his lid. His ex girlfriend totally got him though. Turns out she had another sugar daddy in another state and when she was visiting her sick dad she was seeing him.
Anyway . . .
Control is when you subtly or overtly try to control your partners behavior.
This can mean telling them when to be home, telling them how to dress, saying who they can or cant hang out with (He says he cant handle me hanging out with male friends.), treating your partner like a child who needs permission to do things or . . . you get the idea.
Controlling behavior is particularly scary because its way too easy for CONTROL to lead to ABUSE.
#3: Emotional Dishonesty
When I talk about this one, certain folks always say stuff like Yeah, my girlfriend is totally dishonest. I told her I just want to look through her phone to make sure shes not lying to me and she freaked out.
But thats not what Im talking about at all. (In fact, thats another type of controlling behavior.)
Overt lying in a relationship is obviously unhealthy, but its actually GOOD to keep some things to yourself.
What Im talking about is lying about how you FEEL.
Its way too easy to keep parroting words like I love you long after they lose all their juice and meaning because you feel like you should still feel that way or you dont want to make waves.
#4: Prince Charming Syndrome
I see this a LOT more with women than I do with men . . .
So often Ill get an email from a woman saying I met this guy. Hes almost perfect! He fits 95% of whats on my list and if I can just get him to grow three inches I know well be SO happy. (OK, extreme example.)
And then they absolutely sabotage what could have been a great relationship by focusing all of their time and energy on whats WRONG with a guy (or girl) instead of whats RIGHT with them.
Dont get me wrong, compromising in a relationship is wonderful and necessary.
But too often folks compromise to the lowest common denominator and nobody ends up happy.
For instance, youre cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie . . .
He wants to watch Die Hard (because its awesome)
She wants to watch The Notebook (because its also awesome.)
After 20 minutes of back and forth looking for something well both like you end up watching a weird documentary on guys who love My Little Pony and nobodys happy. (The My Little Pony documentary is actually pretty fascinating and features that guy who played Q on Star Trek.)
(Over-compromising in the bedroom is particularly noxious and deadly to happy love and has bought houses for marriage counselors.)
#6: Misunderstanding Love
But if you LOVE me you'll do ANYTHING for me, right?
Love is a weird concept.
Actually, up until the middle ages when guys in silly hats started writing poems about heaving bosoms and plays about teenagers committing suicide because their families wouldnt let them be together, the whole concept of Romantic Love didnt even really exist.
And modern science has actually been able to pinpoint EXACTLY what happens in the human brain to make us feel that overwhelming, ravenous desire for a person where a halo blazes above their head and you just want to consume their skin.
That initial overwhelming love is easy.
And the big sin here is thinking its going to be easy forever.
The fact is, Love is work.
And love is a choice.
It shouldn't be work all the time (if it is, get out.)
But you need to wake up every day and DECIDE that you love the person next to you (warts and all.)
And finally . . .
To be successful in love you need to be your partners biggest cheerleader, their port of safety and the one person who will always forgive them for annoying you and pissing you off.
Which is HARD.
For most people, resentment builds up over month sand years and decades until you cant even look at the person you used to love without bile and angst and contempt.
The key to being able to actually be happy with somebody is to accept them for who they are, forgive them for not being who you want them to be and celebrating their flaws as much as you do their merits.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Well, that was what I went through today..
Cute guy in cab stand. Who sweetly offered me his very crumpled brown starbucks serviettes to wipe my now frizzy-haired self off.
Now, as I was tweeting lines out...
You know what sucks? Rain. After a last minute meeting. On your freshly washed and ironed hair. That frizzes when damp. And is now a mess.
— sara ann k (@saraannk) April 21, 2014
You know what doesn't suck? Hello cute guy at cab stand who just gave me your crumpled starbucks serviettes to wipe myself off...
— sara ann k (@saraannk) April 21, 2014
P.S. Pls send a prayer to mascara gods that reason why cute guy in cab stand proffered serviettes is not cos I look like Joker. okthxbai.Of course, I failed to notice that perhaps, maybe said guy in question was trying to get my attention.
— sara ann k (@saraannk) April 21, 2014
I was.. well. Chatting with a friend on messenger right?
Any way, I am trying to recall this as best as I can..
How is this for a 60 second. Or.. maybe 90 second, pickup line, when a guy is getting into a cab, right in front of you, in the rain. And getting wet, while delivering this rather romantic monologue.
"Hi, I am so sorry, but I wanted to just tell you. You are really very pretty. And pretty people like you are usually taken. But I thought your earring was really cool. My kid would love it. And your shoes are really cool. And I have a feeling that you're a really cool person too. The guy who has you is really lucky. And if there is no guy, then maybe I am lucky. Except, maybe I'm not so lucky. Because I'm getting out of a really messy divorce. So I don't know how to do this because I haven't done this in a long time. I got married to my childhood sweetheart. And my cab is honking. And I am not even based in Singapore yet. Which would be unfair to you. You probably get this all the time. But, here is my card, and at the risk of sounding really cheesy. Call me, maybe?"
Cue Sara, standing stunned, with a slightly soggy namecard, as cute guy jumps into cab and cab screeches off.
And everyone else in cab queue is pretending NOT to have heard everything, suddenly furiously tapping at their phones, or answering calls that well, had no phone ring.
Rewind all of this for a minute... Because, we all know, that in Sara-land.... I am the comedychannelforthegods right? So, let me give you the real lowdown on what was happening during this profession of... fancy.
So, while I was wiping myself off. Gratefully, and checking my secondary camera to see if I looked like... well...
Because that is the story of my life... And I realised to my horror that indeed, my mascara was smudgy, and I was desperately trying to wipe it out.
Aside: For people who don't know me... I'm hip, and cool, and smart and funny and elegant.
For the people who do know me. I'm all the above. Except the first and the last.
I'm the type of girl who, when wearing a nice gown and heels, and looking to the world like I'm gliding past like a princess, is desperately praying in her head... don't fall don't fall don't fall... wait... is that a chocolate fondue fountain?
And when I did. I also managed to somehow, make myself look worse, so, what else could I do, but make myself UNCUTER. I donned my specs, and tied up my now mangled hair in a messy low ponytail, as well as someone carrying a heavy handbag on one arm, and a lap top bag and ipad, can do. (Not very well at all. Visual guide below.)
And a cab finally comes, and I am grateful that cute guy is in front of me, because its a Chrysler. And we all don't take them, unless we are desperate enough to pay $5 extra.
Then, the guy twists his body out of the cab, so one leg is in the cab, and his other is still on the road, and in the rain.... starts saying......
"Hi, I am so sorry, but I wanted to just tell you. You are really very pretty."
*sara's eyes start bugging out, as she looks left and right, wondering if cute guy was indeed talking to her.
"And pretty people like you are usually taken."
(I may, or may not have snort-laughed rather unglamorously at this point. But I can't/don't want to remember.)
"But I thought your earring was really cool."
*sara's left hand reflexively touches unicorn earring
"My kid would love it."
*whoa you bastard why are you even talking to me you sonofa..
"And your shoes are really cool."
*looks down at feet. Yeah, I really like these cool brogues. I mean. They were cheapies. And they're low and comfy. And not girly girl. And I can run in them. And in this rain too... I love them! I should get another. I wish they had another. It was the last and only pair in that sale at that shop in Hong Kong. I don't know if I can ever find my way to that shop again. It was across the road from that shop selling silver that closed down.
He may or may not have been saying other stuff at this point. But I was thinking about shoes.
"And I have a feeling that you're a really cool person too."
*Nothing went through my mind other than "Heh" here. I might have done a mental hair flick.
"The guy who has you is really lucky."
*cue Sara's eyebrows raising at least 1.5 cm higher than usual.
"And if there is no guy, then maybe I am lucky."
*cue Sara's eyebrows reaching her scalp line and her mouth hanging open, jaw drop moment.
"Except, maybe I'm not so lucky."
*sara looking confused, and thinking, I should shut my mouth. In case of flies. Sara shuts mouth. But does not regain control of errant eyebrows still causing frown lines in forehead that Dr. Georgia Lee would not be pleased with.
"Because I'm getting out of a really messy divorce."
*sara's head jerks backwards. eyes as big as famous amos cookies, as I thought, omg, my eyes are like... as big as cookies right now. Probably famous amos sized. Not the big ones. The normal ones. I like famous amos. Hmm. I wonder if they have famous amos around here.
*sara does quick scan of area for famous amos*
"So I don't know how to do this because I haven't done this in a long time."
*sara nods, sympathetically I think. Mostly with head cocked to the right, and nodding in the.. aaaah.. Yes, I see what you're saying (when you don't really understand what the other person is saying) type nod.
"And the cab is honking."
*Sara thinks. Darn it. Now I'm really craving cookies. And the ones in the office are so small now. And I guess that's my cab. But I shall wait here, and not run to you honking impatient red and white cab uncle. Cos.. it's RAINING. Oh. That's why you're honking. Cos... we're stuck here. Hmm...
"And I am not even based in Singapore yet."
*sara thinks "huh?"
"Which would be unfair to you."
*sara's eyes fly open again, thinking, "huh? Ok..."
"You probably get this all the time."
*and I kid you not.. I did this... "awww stop it you" hand gesture..
With my arm that was holding the laptop.
So I looked like an untrained seal pup trying to swat a fly.
"But, here is my card, and at the risk of sounding really cheesy. Call me, maybe?"
Cue Sara, standing stunned, with a slightly soggy namecard, as cute guy jumps into cab and cab screeches off.
As Sara thinks..
What just happened?
Get in cab. Whoa. My head. Ouch.
Uncle, Toa Payoh Newscentre please..
Hmm. I should really rub lucky charm's belleh. Heh. He be lucky.
Blissful audible sigh.
I'm glad Liverpool won the game last night.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
THAT WAS INTENSE!
And geesh. Ok, if boyfriends kissed that well. *swoon* Our tiny island of Singapore would not be having this re-population/not-enough-baby-making problems at all. I mean seriously. A kiss like that could get a girl pregnant.
But, this is afterall, 10 years later. I come armed with more than just the 5 types of bad kisses I first wrote about.
To be fair, maybe it was just bad kiss karma. You may get two great kissers, but put them together and they might not work. (Though, there was a recent experiment on strangers kissing for the first time, that makes me think, this might not be true.
Watch that video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpbDHxCV29A )
Now, I am struggling to remember when was my first kiss. Honestly, zero recollection. But ask me which were the best, and the steamiest...
A coy smile will start breaking out on my face and you'll see that I have officially left the building and my brain has gone to lalaland.
Good kissers, just like good men, are hard to find.
THE GOOD.THE BAD. THE UGLY.
1 - Eat Face/ Face attack aka Face-off
When a guy attacks you like he is trying to eat your face.
Looks somewhat like...
|In case you don't know what "Sotong" is, it's a colloquial term for squid. This type in particular.|
Fleshy. Great on the grill and to eat. But not raw. And on your face.
|Honestly. This is hot. But think this with A LOT MORE SALIVA.|
And everywhere else on the face as well.
Not so hot.
Just. Very wet.
And not in a good way.
8- The cirque du soliel and other circus acts (too much tongue)
Just don't put a hole in my tongue?
So please. Especially if it's the first kiss. Don't get all Octopussy. Handsy all over.
Mariah Carey might invite you to do that. But, I've found a guy with respectful hands, who doesn't start groping and pulling and tearing and actually gives the kiss all the attention it needs. Those kisses, tend to be mindblowing.
Case in point:
So take it slow.
It'll get there. Especially if the kiss is intense and passionate. Things will escalate naturally. Don't make me feel like you're fumbling to tune the radio.
11- It's the sPits
You can more or less guess this one eh?
The ones with excess saliva. It's a monsoon in there.
It actually looks really good on camera. But there is NOTHING going on. Just usually, the guys jaw grinding enthusiastically like a hoochie-mama on the dancefloor.
My first brush with this was on a shoot. When photos came out, I was like... Whoa. That's hot. So when the guy asked me out. I thought, yeah. Why not?
Turns out. That was not just for the camera.
Sigh. Just like designer muscles. Oh so pretty. But what's the use.
Have fun, and tease a little...
Over and out.