Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Note To Self: Beware of your reactions. Don't be a victim
Two similar scenarios. Two different people. Worlds apart.
I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. Or if I'm even allowed to. But... I'm certain, neither A nor B, will read this. And this I guess... is my note to self. To remind myself of this lesson... on reactions. And how I can possibly control them.
I know... what I want... and what I need.
I need.... this :
A - It was not that person's fault. But neither was it mine. Unfortunately, three people were the victims here. But only one, lost.
When the situation first broke, I was honest with A. "Hey. I didn't do this. But I got ____. What's going on?" I had asked. Because I had been confused. Puzzled. Wary.
Something similar... had happened before. Not too long ago. So I was now cautious. My guard was up. But I've always believed that honesty, is always the best policy. I had nothing to hide.
"Why did you send the ___," came the first accusation. And it stabbed me right through the heart.
It threw me back immediately, to what had happened before. When I had been similarly framed. And I was not given a measure of trust. But instead.. accused, then abandoned. No explanations were allowed. Nothing. When I desperately, tried to plead my case..... it didn't even fall on deaf ears. As A, had already walked away.
I recalled, where days before... harsh words were dealt to me when I tried to open up and share a story. Instead, I was falsely accused, and slammed by one of the *deadly 3 insults.
*One of the things I have always hated, is being falsely accused. But there are 3 words, when flung at me, always is guaranteed to make me lash out. Three words, that are guaranteed, to set me off as I deem them to be the highest insults possible: Crazy. Drama. Diva. (and variants of the like.)
Use any of those three on me, and to me, it feels like the equivalent of blast of a hadoken. Everyone has different buttons. And these are mine.
I recalled the dark place I had been in after the situation had happened some time back. How miserable I had been for more than 2 months after. How I never, really recovered. And I flinched reflexively.
Instead of letting the blows pelt on me, and slide off. I held my arms up, to shield myself. And with my eyes shut tight, my fists, flailed blindly, trying to fend off the impending pain... by wildly hitting at what might cause it first.
In hindsight, my reaction, could have been less aggressive and volatile. At the time... too many thoughts were swirling, there was too much confusion.
But hindsight... is 20/20.
And... what is done. Cannot be undone. And... shit does happen.
Especially with me.
Like my pal MMO said, "These things, are part and parcel of your life. People have got to learn to accept it, and deal with it, if they are a part of it."
Lesson learned: Control my own reactions. Since you can't control the way others react.
B - He was also an innocent victim. As was his other half. I have not been in touch in two, maybe three years.
I didn't even know what had happened at the time... because it had been a non-issue to him when it happened. He just, knew it wasn't me, ignored it.
He only dropped me a short note to inform of what happened, because he had seen a post on one of my social media platforms two days ago.
"Hey.. Hope you're ok. Saw you have something going on. X and i, had gotten an email from you. Some time in Apr."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I knew it wasn't you. ... ..."
A pillar. I've long since forgotten what it can be like.. to lean on someone for strength.
Maybe because B himself had experienced situations like that, and weirder, with me before. Even at a club once, while we were dating more than 12 years ago. A random dude, went up to him, telling him that he had slept with me.
I remember him telling me this, only a few days later. He didn't even kick up a fuss that night while we were out. He asked.. "eh.. Do you know this guy named... xxx?"
"Hmm. Ya. Donna's friend I think. Apparently according to Donna, she introduced him to me outside Zouk once before. We shook hands lor. Why you asking? You know him too?"
"No. Actually, when we were in Mambo that night, you were dancing. And I was just watching you. And this guy was there. Came up to me, said.. Eh. She's hot right. That's Sara Ann K. She was in Miss Universe. And I slept with her man. She is hot! " *abridged version
"HUH?!!! But I don't even know him. So what did you say."
"I said... Ha. Dude. Impossible. Dream on. She's with me."
And that. Was that.
I remember feeling... safe, even as he told me that story.
That I knew he would have fought for me, if the situation required it, "for my honour", he was always the gentleman. Not just in front of other people "just for show". His gentlemanliness, was not an affectation, nor to impress. He was the same behind the scenes, when no one was watching.
That day, he knew he could have brought on a full on brawl (and won), but he knew I hated fights. I knew he walked away the bigger man.
I knew.. i felt secure, that he loved me. That he knew me. That he trusted me.
To be honest... it could have been blown out of proportion, and turned out a lot worse for the person in situation B. Another 2 victims could have been added to the "body count", with much more devastating circumstances - but B didn't let that happen.
He didn't let any of us become victims.
It could have made me look a lot worse. Like I was literally, a harlot with a scarlet letter.
B, has much more reason to doubt me, given our history.
But he knew. He just.... knew.
I have forgotten, how beautiful it is.... to trust. And be trusted.
B's wife, is a lucky woman, who knows she can trust him and his word too.
I've realised... I want. No. I need that.
I had trusted A implicitly. 100%. All the way till my doubts were shaken, that one time.... And trust was broken.
Even back then, I had chosen to stay. Despite the hurt, I did not run away.
I thought, it was worth it.
Perhaps.... All I need, is someone who thinks I am worth it too.