Saturday, June 14, 2014

Where are you?

I am at work.

Meet up? Haven't seen you in ages.

Hmm... ok. Wait. Is it your birthday or something just in case I missed it?

You already wished me on my birthday.

oh. *sheepish grin* Sorreeeeee.... Forgot la. Ahjumma liao...

See you in ___ at XX.

And so, I went. 

"Let's get out of here."

"Huh, but I just got here."

"Ok, We'll stay for a while..."

"Err. Yeah. You asked me to come."

"Well, didn't you come to send me back home?"

"hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'll have an orange juice."

"Btw, this is for you miss k," he said, as he handed me a rose with a roguish grin.

My eyebrows shot to my scalp. 

Within less than 30 mins, I found myself in a cab and being pushed out in front of a house that I do not live in.

"I'm sorry.., " he said.

"Huh? About?"


"Huh? Where is this coming from?"

"Nah.. I've just been thinking. And I'm really sorry. I never.. handled it well. Two years ago."

"Geez babe. Like you said, it's two years ago."

"Yeah. But... I am sorry. I could have handled things better. It was just, too intense for me."

Flashes, flitted through my mind as we sat there, comfortable in each other's company. Memories flooding back.

"I know. I knew even then, you couldn't handle it at that point. You were still... getting over stuff...," I said.

"Do you think we would have worked?" He asked. His expressive face, looking boyishly charming. And those dimples. Damn. Those dimples. 

"We could have couldn't we. I just messed up," he said before I could even reply.

"Nah. You were going through stuff. You weren't ready. But if you were... I guess. Yes. We could have."

"But, I'm ready now. I'm changing. I want to change. I am not drinking so much. I'm slowing down. No more partying."

I looked at him and laughed. "I'll believe it when I see it."

"Do you think... I still have a shot?"

I think, I looked at him with a mixture of sadness. and a quizzical smile.

It was.. so long ago.

And yet... there were still some.. feelings. Residual chemistry perhaps. Even the slight, excitement that maybe, this time.. some thing could really work.

I think, we both still had a soft spot for each other. But.. even with those soulful eyes and those charming dimples and that megawatt smile..... 

Something was different. 

We chatted. And chatted. And chatted. And it felt like, the days, months, years, had not gone by at all. It felt.. the same. Comfortable.

And yet.........

I just knew. A part of me wanted to try. Was still tempted to try. I knew I could.. But.....

There was that gut feeling... that the moment had passed him by.

I believe that, if a person is right. You will make the time right. I don't believe in the concept of right person, wrong time. If you feel it is the right person. You will make it the right time. Or you will turn back, to try and make things right again. To make it the right time.

I thought back to the time I thought he was.. well, a possibility. We spent every waking moment chatting to each other. Talking. Hanging out. It was intense. It was fun. It was.. pretty amazing. But there was always this... niggling feeling.

But it continued going strong even when we both were away for a month.. And when we got back too. Just that after a boys trip he took with his mates ...... after he let his pals voices, opinions... their teasing and ribbing get to him.. He pulled back.

And when that happened... it hurt me.

I cut him out.

So far, in all my life, I think, I've only had that..... feeling of dead certainty - you know the one people tell you about... the, "you'll know when you know" that this person was something special to you- type feeling .... Once. Once in my whole life.

I always had times.. intense beginnings, that crashed and burned equally fast. Where I some times would think... hmm.. yeah.. maybe...... could be... who knows... it feels nice. Yup, I think he could be...

But only once. Once in my whole life... did I feel like someone stopped me dead in my tracks. And there was this... "OMG. Where have you been? You're finally here!" type feeling. Where it felt like.. my whole soul came alive with this person...  That all the feelings, emotions filled me with a mixture of happiness, though it was tinged fear. (Probably, more a... is this even real. Nothing can be this good. Can anyone even be this happy? This is probably going to end badly if it feels this awesome. Because nothing can be that awesome!)

But there was always this... thing. A gut feeling. That this person... was more than something special. 

And no, that person, was not TLOML. (In fact, it took me two years with TLOML, to realise that I loved him, and think, yes.. this might be the person for me.)

This other person, pretty much came in like a wrecking ball. Because it was so intense, and I felt, so connected, even on a telepathic level almost... it felt like, we had already known each other forever. 

The thing is... we never did know each other. And I don't think he ever tried.

Which was.... a pity.

I guess, the fact that nothing ever worked out despite that strong gut feeling that I had.. that feeling of certainty almost. I'm not sure any more. I don't know if I can ever believe in my gut again. I keep.... second guessing myself.

I only know... that with me... once the moment passes.. I guess... I'm not sure if it can ever be gotten back.

I guess...

Yet again. Whatever will be, will be.

Que Sera Sera.


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