Sunday, August 11, 2013

To my Unicorn

I once wrote a long time ago in a blog I kept - what seems now like ancient history (moblogs - where I was 'hostsara') :

Where are you my prince,
I have loved you all my life.
Now I all you have to do...
Is find me.

It must have been haunting or definitely left an impression, because it was printed on the covers of notepads as a quote from me during one of the Moblogs promotional events.

And here I am, 10 years later. Still waiting. 

People have asked me before - what do I want in a man? What type of guy do I want? A question that yet again, popped up yesterday in a conversation after church with friends, where they proffered options for my sister, my pals, but none for me.

To be honest, I have no "type" per se.

It has never been about a certain job. Or a race. A look. A shape.

It's just... a feeling. Something that clicks on the inside. 

The closest thing to a clue that I have to what I want, is this ..

With me, it never has been about the physical. That to me, is merely a bonus. I need someone to unlock my mind first, before the rest follows, and believe you me, it is hard indeed.

Every single guy I've met, has succeeded to some extent. To some degree. But was always lacking in some way or another.

"The Love of My Life" for instance - A shame. Because when we were in love , we were young and carefree. And as much as my heart and soul wanted it, my mind, did not follow.

On the rare occasions my mind was captured, often times, my heart or soul, was lagging behind.

I once shared with a dear friend, that I want someone who.. I will feel comfortable with, in my "slack glory", looking dishevelled without a shred of makeup on one of my mission trips.

Someone who won't grumble when we might need to be in a place that does not have electricity or running water - and who will keep me sane while that happens too, laugh along with me, hold my hand and say, "Hey babe, we'll get through this together," and not just run to the hills - as one guy I dated, once did.

Someone who is game enough to experience life with me. Whether it be dining with royalty, or dining with beggars in rags by the roadside, as long as its by my side.

Whether I'm in rags. Or all dressed to the nines.

Because both are me.

The same me. Just.. different sides of me.

Would I ever find someone who could accept me... for me? All of me. Not just the parts they want?

I've fantasised about living away from it all. On a mountaintop, or island, far away. As long as there was a body of water nearby to calm me. A sanctuary. Where I could escape, till I needed to head back into "civilisation" and glam up and "put my face on" to head out.

Would anyone be able to do that with me?

What I have wanted, is someone who can make me feel alive. Feel the whole spectrum of emotions.

A partner in crime. A Bonnie to Clyde.

I don't care even if that means the person takes me on a roller coaster ride.. the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. Even if it means that at times, I might be curled up in a foetal ball, crying.

I have long believed, that that is what love should be. Wholly. Fully. Completely. At least, for me.

All in.

I remember having this conversation once, what seems like a lifetime ago.

"Why can't you just give everything up? Can't you be satisfied living a normal life? Be a wife, have kids," he asked over the phone as we were arguing, timezones apart.

"Normal - that is the one word that scares me the most. I don't want normal. I want extraordinary," I argued passionately, tears running down my face as I wondered why he didn't understand.


I've always wanted to love someone so much, that I knew he had the power to crush me. And yet be able to trust him enough with my heart to know that he would not.

For as long as I've lived, as much as I've felt for someone. As much as I have loved. As much as I have given, I've always felt that something was missing. Something in me was still under lock and key.

Many a time I've thought that maybe.. finding someone that unlocked me - all of me - was impossible.

A perfect fit, as much as a myth as the unicorn.

It just.. didn't exist.

Settling, many a time, has seemed like the easy way to go when the usual firing squad comes around. "Why aren't you attached? Married? Settled down? Have kids?"

Well meaning friends also have the sensitivity of sledgehammers at times.

"What happened?" one asked tactlessly over a game of pool once, "You seemed like the most likely to get hitched and have babies, and you're like.. not." she said, as she told me about her perfect life. Two kids. Dogs. Cars. Big house. The works.

As much as I felt a twinge of regret, I know in my heart, that none of the guys before would have brought me my happiness. Neither, would I have brought them theirs.

I could be, as happy as I would be in that situation I guess. If I thought that was all there was.

Except now, I know. That isn't true.

I know that I can love with every fibre of my being. Heart. Mind. Soul. And body.

Now I know that it is possible. Anything else will feel like I'm just settling.

Will I find this again? Someone who makes me feel... alive?

Who knows.

But to my unicorn.

I hope you are out there. And waiting for me. The way I've been waiting for you.

We all are travellers in this journey called life. And all I want is to be able to hold your hand, and walk down this path together. Skipping. Hopping. Jumping. Like 10-year-olds. Because that's how I am. A giant big kid really. 

I just hope that you will recognise me when you see me.

And that you will grab a hold of my hand when you do...

And never let me go.

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