To delete, or not to delete.. that is the question (*post updated)

An amazing image that I love, of the wall between Palestine and Isreal.
Powerful message delivered in a simple way.

My mom, is an absolute inspiration to me. Even just two years ago, she was gungho, doing a mission trip in the middle east, that brought her to Lebanon, Jordan... Palestine. All in the most war torn places. driving a car that had been wrecked by a bomb, through civil unrest, with molotov cocktails being thrown at her.

Like... BADASS.

Haha.. I remember her even telling me about dragging a mattress to put near the front door. I can't even recall if it was just because she was trying to wash and dry it, or that it was for a real purpose. Like, preventing stray bullets from flying in the place they were staying.

Maybe, it's all in her training. She was first in the army, and a sharpshooter at that. I mean. That woman, in her mid-60's, is going to countries to help refugees move. She always... faces her fears. She's not perfect, but there is so much that I have learnt from her. How to be unselfish. Put the needs of others before yourself. To always give of yourself. I can only hope that at her age, I will still be as mentally strong. With as much of a lust for life as her.

Windsurfing at 64. Dodging bullets. And still nagging me through life.

I've still got a lot to learn from her. But she and I.. have one thing in common,

She.. gives. So much of herself.

I mean, that woman is a born giver. But sometimes, it means she gives in too much. Gets bullied a little. Taken for granted a lot. (Yes. Sometimes, even by me.)

So she's been reminding me again, of late, from real life lessons she's learnt, to not be so nice to people who don't deserve it. For instance, a particular female who literally gave me 4 years of torture.

"Forgive. Yes. But let God deal with her. But you don't have to be nice, or go out of your way to be nice," she advised.

And I've talked about how God has dealt with people in my life who have hurt me before. How strangely.. any guy who hurt me - landed up in a shotgun marriage. How well, even aforementioned not so nice person... was dealt with too.

I do realise.. it is a problem I have though. Being nice. Sigh. I miss the days of being the bitch. But... I am happier with who I am now.

A lot of my close guy friends tell me, that when I love a guy. My super nice side comes out. Because before then, I don't allow many people in....  the guy starts taking me for granted. Or for a ride.

A close guy pal. MFAM, ... was surprised... when I used the word "Love" some time earlier this year. I guess.... i think I use the word a lot more freely among my girl friends. But with my guy friends, because they are a lot more cautious in using the word... I tend to be around them too. So he was pretty floored when I used the "L" word. First time in all the years he's known me.

He shared about his breakup. And I shared about mine. We were both talking about how we usually remained friends with our exes. And I opened up about how it devastated me this time... that... we weren't friends any more.

I've only cut off all contact with 2 people I've previously dated.

TLOML when he got married. We both had already moved on and we finally weren't in love with each other anymore. But i still cared for, and love him enough to know, my presence, would put a strain on his marriage. So... yup. No contact there, out of respect to his wife.

The other... well. That was just WAAAAY ridiculous. He believed in a lie, from a friend.

Both him, and said friend, have been excommunicated. Well, female friend... because of her dishonesty. (And, well, found out she has a track record a mile long. More than 50 personal friends, from different groups, have all written her off.) And the guy. Well... he was stupid enough to not trust me, and believe the lie and the liar. I didn't even bother explaining to him the truth. He wasn't worth it. But... I was devastated at the time any way.

The thing is... when is it good/right to delete someone?

Just last week I had a convo with a pal, Chez who was returning to Canada for good who said she deleted people all the time because she liked keeping FB below 100 people.

The thing is.. That shit hurts.

I don't know about you. But it hurts.

And... I know it's just social media. But I guess, for someone who is plugged in... I wonder why even strangers delete me. So... I usually don't delete people.

On social media... I've actually only deleted and blocked 2. Now... 3 people.

The first.. turned out to be someone who previously had stalked a friend and been charged for it. So that was pretty much, a no brainer.

The second. Was a girl I was close to at one point. Honestly... I should have trusted my gut instinct when I met her. She gave me the same feeling as the previous excommunicated lying female friend. But, because she was introduced by a mutual friend whom I trust from back in college, who asked me to take her under my wing, I obliged.

That girl. Was DRAMA. And also.. a liar. Borrowed tons of money which never got returned, by saying her dad had died. (SERIOUSLY, what kind of person lies about her parents dying to borrow money. That's just... way cray.)

So honestly. Good riddance.




To be honest.. i hate drama. So when it happens... I shy away from it.
I find people who add and delete.. dramatic. Childish. It makes the other person feel like they're not worth your friendship.



But what happens... when you need to?

Have you ever deleted someone.. because you are just.. so scared they will hurt you again?

That you're just trying to protect yourself?

And then as soon as you let them in again... BOOOM.

They prove, yet again. That... maybe... u shouldn't have let those walls down.

And every time you even start considering.... hey... maybe I made a mistake... maybe.. I was being too hasty.

Something else happens.

I don't know.

When I started writing this post.... It was initially... almost an apology, for deleting and blocking someone precious to me. Because I know that my reaction was fuelled by strong emotions. And I usually... am not like that.

But even as I update this post. Something else happened...

My mind. Is a blank again.

I just....


Sigh.


There is a Chinese saying. That the truth, always comes out. In literal translation... The water drops. And the stone appears.

I like being transparent. And honest.

Maybe because... I've been lied to too many times. And i hate it.


Lots has happened.

You know what.

You're right.

I didn't do this. Yet again.

But lots has happened...

I am trying to be calm.

But i can't even...