Stories about Grace: Sunsets

Don't look for answers

Right and wrong answers co-exist in every decision

Wise people make a choice and make it the right answer

Foolish people regret the decision and make it the wrong decision

There is no right answer in life

There is only the process to make it the right answer. 

- Eight Words. (Korean book)

The sun was setting beautifully in the horizon. A fiery dance of reds and oranges, giving his regal profile an even more surreal halo.

"Hey you,  isn't it beautiful?", he asked in that deep authoratative voice as he gestured toward the sunset with a tip of his head, his perfect hair ruffling in the breeze.

She smiled as she walked toward the railing as they took in another masterpiece painted in the sky.

"You and him. . . It's complicated, " he said,  breaking the silence. 

She looked over at him, with questions in her eyes as he leaned his body weight on to the railing, gazing out. He was a truly, beautiful man.

He turned his head to face her,  "It's not over. Even when it's over...," he said as his eyes became suspiciously shiny, and he made an abrupt turn, his back facing the sun's show.

"I'm not. .. He's not. .. We're not. ... He doesn't even want me, " she stuttered.

"Then he's a bigger fool than I give him credit for, " he said,  as he looked at her again,  with a time of mirth, eyes, sparkling with wet.

"... You deserve better than to be treated like this. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And. .. if he's a smart guy like you claim he is,  he'll figure it out. " 

The sky was now aglow with pinks and purples. Like a beautiful silk scarf.

"I'm sorry,  I never. .. "

"I know, " he said cutting her off, as he turned and looped a friendly arm around her neck and brought her in a for an affectionate side hug.

Her eyes were starting to sting.

"Hey. . hey.. ," he said as he pressed his lips against her right temple to soothe her.

"Don't. You really are something special you know, " he said as he smiled at her.

She felt hot tears scald her cheeks as they broke free of her tear ducts, and run wild down her face,  probably streaking her mascara.

"I'm not. ..,"she said,  her voice trembling.

"I've gone around the world. And I still think you're one of the most strange, cool,  funny, random but amazing people I've met. How could he not?" he said, as he playfully flicked her face with his finger, making a tear fly.

"He..," she started. .

"is still here and here," he said as her pressed his finger to her forehead, then just below her clavicle. "He's been there since you met him. "

She looked over at him again, guilt weighing heavily on her heart.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, under her breath.

"Don't be. He will be if he doesn't fight for you," he said.

"How wou.."

"Because I did," he said. Cutting her off again. "But then,  when I came back,  I was one step too late. You were already his."

"Huh? But I..."

"Your heart was."

Her eyes felt like they had turned into leaky faucets as tears just spilled onto her face.

"Everything's going to be ok la, ok?" he said,  as he wiped the tears from her eyes.

"I hope so, "she said, smiling weakly through the tears.

She sighed as they watched the sun slip under the horizon. "Amazing," she said, with a wistful sigh.

"Just like you babe. Don't you forget it.  Just like you." he said, before he turned to walk inside, hands shoved deep in his pockets.

Real Love.

It scares the shit outta me

It all depends on one's idea of love. What is love to you? Is it the strong security and stability of a relationship? Or is it the highs and lows along with the ebbs and flows of passion?

To me, it is both.

But what does real love feel like to me?

When you discover it, it feels like... you've been deprived of something big all your life. Like your sight, or your limbs. Like you've not realised, but you've been living paralysed. And you're slowly understanding and getting to used to that fact that you have these muscles that can be used. You have this arm. Or a leg.

And when you put them to the test, stretch them out to use them, they ache, because they are muscles you've never used in a long time, or never before.

Then.. you slowly get used to it. This thing that you never realised was a part of you, and you don't even know how you lived without it before.

In time, you maybe even take it for granted, because now you see it as something that has always been there. And maybe always will be.

I had a conversation with my mother the other day. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child who you have raised. I have heard that having a child is like having your beating heart live outside of your body.

The idea scares me senseless.. because I know not how to love in halves. When I love, truly love... I love wholly, truly and way too deeply.

But have you experienced that kind of love that renders you helpless?

No matter how you try to run. Hide. Fight. It's just there. Flowing through your veins. In your soul. Pulsing under your skin with every beat of your heart.

And when you lose it, or it disappears, it feels like death... because a part of you, a limb, has been chopped off. The same limb you discovered, started getting used to, savagely ripped from your body. And the pain.. and the grief that follows, especially if you don't understand why, is almost too much to bear.

I am scared of that kind love. And yet, I want it. I fight it, as much as I fight for it.

It is a love I call TOO. Too much.. Too soon.. Too fast.. Too intense.. Too good.. Too painful.. Everything about it is just... Too.

It sounds like young love. Puppy love. A phase. But you are, we are too old. Too jaded. Too cynical for that.

It would be so much easier to have someone who ticks all the boxes.

We all wish for a prince charming. A tall, dark and handsome man who drives a fancy car, whisks you to nice places, surprises you with nice things.

It would be easier, if it were that nice banker who thinks nothing of spoiling you with luxury holidays. That boy from the plutocratic family, who showers you with anything you want or need. That handsome actor, whom everyone desires. That supermodel that everyone openly lusts over. Or even that engineer, quiet and stoic and caring, who will do everything in his power to please you. Or even that fund owner who worships the ground you walk on.

It would have been easier, if it were anyone but you.

But no, love comes in many shapes and sizes and colors. It comes when you least expect it. It comes even when you don't want it.

And as much as I try. I can't help it.

It's you. Maybe it always has been. Always will be.

Love, is not a choice.
But choosing to stay and love... standing there, with my heart in hand..............


I don't know.

Getting Naked

“Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

Do you know how I figured it out?

"Gossip".

I remembered the day someone asked you about me, and you replied "I don't do gossip."
And suddenly, one-and-half weeks after you had flatly denied everything... I remembered something you said.. "Don't be so glued to gossip."

That's when it clicked. And I started asking questions. And things crystallized for me.

This is why I am disappointed with you.

Because I got naked with you. And.. well, I can't be sure of anything with you at this point, but I thought that you got naked with me too.

I opened up my soul, let you in. And you were privy to my thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams.
You opened up and I knew your goals, your fears, your past, your troubles.

Someone told me, that you had once described what we had as beyond anything you had experienced.

How easily you forgot.

And just like that..
You destroyed something, that was so special.

----

Grace put her pen down, as a rogue tear made it past her cheeks, and dropped onto the last word turning it into a blur.

She turned to her phone and read through her chat history...
And wondered, what the hell had happened.

How a sweet, sincere guy who seemed down to earth, could have morphed to this vindictive, spiteful, vengeful and hurtful creature with nary a thought for her feelings, even as a friend.

“What irritated me most in that entire situation was the fact that I
wasn’t feeling humiliated, or annoyed, or even fooled. Betrayal was
what I felt, my heart broken not just by a guy I was in love with, but
also by, as I once believed, a true friend.” 
― Danka V., The Unchosen Life

What hurts the most, is not what happened.

It is what you are now saying, never did.

missing the moment

She closed her eyes. Tired.

Even choosing clothes for the day, usually a treat for her, seemed a chore that day. "I hate smiling in photos" was the tee she had picked. Appropriate, she thought, for her mood.

As she sank into the seat of the cool cabin of the cab, she felt a stinging sensation in her eyes.

She turned her head away, toward the window as hot tears rolled down her cheeks.


__ __

She stepped out into the cool air, nervous. "Can we get chocolate, please? I really need chocolate now," she said to him, as he grinned. His eyes narrowing into slits as he smiled.

He had sprung a surprise on her. He was bringing her home to meet his family. His parents.

Her summer dress floated in the breeze as she huddled under his arm as they crossed the road together.

Silverstone.

California.

It still felt surreal. She couldn't believe that just 10 days before.. she had totally freaked out about travelling half the globe just to see a guy for his birthday. And yet.. somehow, everything fell into place and felt, so right.

They stepped into a cool fashionable cafe. Everything was nice and minimal, the clientele looked chic, the food looked great, but they were still full from cantaloupe and proscuitto Grace had scooped up on the fly in the car while crouched on top of the luggage, giggling at how she was serving up their "gourmet lunch".

As he went to the toilet she felt this surge of emotion that she had not experienced in a long time. She poured a cup of water from a jug that had cucumber slices, and ordered herself a hot chocolate.

When he stepped out of the loo, she looked at him. Amazed yet again at how so deeply she felt for this man. How connected she felt to him.

She grabbed a couple of individually wrapped brownies, something she figured her mom and sis would enjoy, and they walked next door to a gift shop.

As they browsed around, she thought back to the day before.

"Quit. Stay." He said, perched on the ledge overlooking the river on this beautiful private lodge they had found by chance in Ojai.

The sun lit him from the back, making his chiseled features even more prominent.

Hunched over, his sick pack was still as prominent as ever. One of the unjustices of the world.

"I want to. Just give me some time. I have some things to do first. But I will, " she said.

"But, by then, the moment will be gone.."

In her heart, at that moment, she hoped and prayed that the moment will never be gone. Because she knew that somehow, this man, was different for her. Different from anything she had seen, or felt, or known.

She did not dare tell him of the things she was experiencing at home. The financial difficulties. That even going to visit him, was a financial sacrifice in itself. One that took courage. But now, a blissful week later, felt like the best choice she had ever made.

"I saw some cool sunnies next door, can we go check them out?" she asked. He smiled indulgently, "Sure", as they languidly ambled to a funky looking optical store.

"Hi, we're actually closed for a private event. We're launching this designers range of sunglasses, but feel free to come in!" said a perky, bespectacled shop assistant, who quickly flourished flutes of champagne and offered them cake as they merrily tried on pair after pair of sunnies.

-----------

Her heart felt heavy as tears kept streaming down her face, her heart, heavy as lead.

"Miss, you want to go Toa Payoh or Braddell?" asked the cab driver.

"Toa Payoh please, uncle," she said, as she quickly wiped her tears and opened her eyes, embarrassed. She faked a yawn, hoping the cab driver would think the tears were a result of her merely being tired, and hoped to God, that her make up was not too tear streaked as she neared the office.


Maybe, she had missed the moment, she thought to herself sadly. But right now, all she could do, was miss him.