Sunday, April 20, 2014

Gone in 60 seconds

So nothing is worse than going to work, rushing for a last minute meeting, and then, having it rain on your "freshly-washed-and-ironed-hair" parade right?

Well, that was what I went through today..

TILL...

Cute guy in cab stand. Who sweetly offered me his very crumpled brown starbucks serviettes to wipe my now frizzy-haired self off.

Now, as I was tweeting lines out...




Of course, I failed to notice that perhaps, maybe said guy in question was trying to get my attention.


I was.. well. Chatting with a friend on messenger right?

Any way, I am trying to recall this as best as I can..

How is this for a 60 second. Or.. maybe 90 second, pickup line, when a guy is getting into a cab, right in front of you, in the rain. And getting wet, while delivering this rather romantic monologue.

"Hi, I am so sorry, but I wanted to just tell you. You are really very pretty. And pretty people like you are usually taken. But I thought your earring was really cool. My kid would love it. And your shoes are really cool. And I have a feeling that you're a really cool person too. The guy who has you is really lucky. And if there is no guy, then maybe I am lucky. Except, maybe I'm not so lucky. Because I'm getting out of a really messy divorce. So I don't know how to do this because I haven't done this in a long time. I got married to my childhood sweetheart. And my cab is honking. And I am not even based in Singapore yet. Which would be unfair to you. You probably get this all the time. But, here is my card, and at the risk of sounding really cheesy. Call me, maybe?"

Cue Sara, standing stunned, with a slightly soggy namecard, as cute guy jumps into cab and cab screeches off.

And everyone else in cab queue is pretending NOT to have heard everything, suddenly furiously tapping at their phones, or answering calls that well, had no phone ring.


But waitasec....

Rewind all of this for a minute... Because, we all know, that in Sara-land.... I am the comedychannelforthegods right? So, let me give you the real lowdown on what was happening during this profession of... fancy.

So, while I was wiping myself off. Gratefully, and checking my secondary camera to see if I looked like... well...



Because that is the story of my life... And I realised to my horror that indeed, my mascara was smudgy, and I was desperately trying to wipe it out.

Aside: For people who don't know me... I'm hip, and cool, and smart and funny and elegant.
For the people who do know me. I'm all the above. Except the first and the last. 

 I'm the type of girl who, when wearing a nice gown and heels, and looking to the world like I'm gliding past like a princess, is desperately praying in her head... don't fall don't fall don't fall... wait... is that a chocolate fondue fountain? 


And when I did. I also managed to somehow, make myself look worse, so, what else could I do, but make myself UNCUTER. I donned my specs, and tied up my now mangled hair in a messy low ponytail, as well as someone carrying a heavy handbag on one arm, and a lap top bag and ipad, can do. (Not very well at all. Visual guide below.)



And a cab finally comes, and I am grateful that cute guy is in front of me, because its a Chrysler. And we all don't take them, unless we are desperate enough to pay $5 extra.

Then, the guy twists his body out of the cab, so one leg is in the cab, and his other is still on the road, and in the rain.... starts saying......

"Hi, I am so sorry, but I wanted to just tell you. You are really very pretty."

*sara's eyes start bugging out, as she looks left and right, wondering if cute guy was indeed talking to her.

"And pretty people like you are usually taken."

(I may, or may not have snort-laughed rather unglamorously at this point. But I can't/don't want to remember.)

"But I thought your earring was really cool."

*sara's left hand reflexively touches unicorn earring

"My kid would love it."

*whoa you bastard why are you even talking to me you sonofa..

"And your shoes are really cool."

*looks down at feet. Yeah, I really like these cool brogues. I mean. They were cheapies. And they're low and comfy. And not girly girl. And I can run in them. And in this rain too... I love them! I should get another. I wish they had another. It was the last and only pair in that sale at that shop in Hong Kong. I don't know if I can ever find my way to that shop again. It was across the road from that shop selling silver that closed down. 

 He may or may not have been saying other stuff at this point. But I was thinking about shoes.

"And I have a feeling that you're a really cool person too."

*Nothing went through my mind other than "Heh" here. I might have done a mental hair flick.

"The guy who has you is really lucky."

 *cue Sara's eyebrows raising at least 1.5 cm higher than usual.

"And if there is no guy, then maybe I am lucky."

*cue Sara's eyebrows reaching her scalp line and her mouth hanging open, jaw drop moment.

"Except, maybe I'm not so lucky."

*sara looking confused, and thinking, I should shut my mouth. In case of flies. Sara shuts mouth. But does not regain control of errant eyebrows still causing frown lines in forehead that Dr. Georgia Lee would not be pleased with.

"Because I'm getting out of a really messy divorce."

 *sara's head jerks backwards. eyes as big as famous amos cookies, as I thought, omg, my eyes are like... as big as cookies right now. Probably famous amos sized. Not the big ones. The normal ones. I like famous amos. Hmm. I wonder if they have famous amos around here. 

 *sara does quick scan of area for famous amos*

"So I don't know how to do this because I haven't done this in a long time."

*sara nods, sympathetically I think. Mostly with head cocked to the right, and nodding in the.. aaaah.. Yes, I see what you're saying (when you don't really understand what the other person is saying) type nod.

"And the cab is honking."

 *Sara thinks. Darn it. Now I'm really craving cookies. And the ones in the office are so small now. And I guess that's my cab. But I shall wait here, and not run to you honking impatient red and white cab uncle. Cos.. it's RAINING. Oh. That's why you're honking. Cos... we're stuck here. Hmm...

"And I am not even based in Singapore yet."

 *sara thinks "huh?"

"Which would be unfair to you."

 *sara's eyes fly open again, thinking, "huh? Ok..."

"You probably get this all the time."

*and I kid you not.. I did this... "awww stop it you" hand gesture.. 

Awkwardly.

 With my arm that was holding the laptop.

 So I looked like an untrained seal pup trying to swat a fly.

"But, here is my card, and at the risk of sounding really cheesy. Call me, maybe?"

 Cue Sara, standing stunned, with a slightly soggy namecard, as cute guy jumps into cab and cab screeches off. 


As Sara thinks..

What just happened?

 Get in cab. Whoa. My head. Ouch.

 Uncle, Toa Payoh Newscentre please..

Hmm. I should really rub lucky charm's belleh. Heh. He be lucky.

 Blissful audible sigh.

I'm glad Liverpool won the game last night.



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